In Concert
by VaingloriousHound
Summary: War was fucking awful. Even when it ended it wasn't over. War did terrible things to people. Not me, though, for all it did for me was make me fucking horny. Naturally I threw myself at the next best guy. That one just turned out to be THE best. Tayuya POV!


**A/N: Today is the tenth of October, and if I remember correctly, that is the birthday of one Naruto Uzumaki.**

**So yeah, here's a Tayuya fic, duh. Warning: huge AU, divergence after the war. :3**

**PS: I wrote this in, like, 4 hours so I do not take any responsibility for any typos until I proof read it again tomorrow.**

* * *

_Okay, that's it!_

_"Mom!" I called, seriously pissed by now. "Mom! Get your ass out here, we have to be up in five!"_

_You'd think that she'd be used to it, getting ready in under ten minutes but mom was just too fucking picky about her makeup. The best thing was no one could ever tell if she actually wore any, and dad was walking the wire every time she expected him to compliment her on it. Fucking savage, my mom. I glanced at the ridiculously huge clock that dad had strung up over the wagon. Great, four minutes._

_"MOM!" I called again, louder this time. She wouldn't dare do this on purpose, right? "I almost had to suck dick for this gig! Would you get a fucking move on!?" Yeah, that was not something she'd ignore._

_The door flew open, naturally, and mom emerged, her lipstick smeared off to the left side of her mouth, her red hair fallen out of these ridiculous braids she put atop her head. "You almost what?!"_

_Got her every time. "Good, you're ready. Let's go."_

_I left her fuming. Always did. I kinda had a talent for that. I gave everything underneath the god damn clock a ten feet berth, because dad couldn't be trusted with a hammer - the last time we did, the stage somehow folded in on itself - and kicked the chair dad was snoring in as hard as I could. My fucking foot stung but he fell out of it, so definitely my win._

_"Garhg!?" was his intelligent response from the heap on the ground._

_I snorted. Just like mom, every single time. "Four minutes," I told him, kicking at his foot to make sure he was truly awake. "Don't fall asleep on the fucking stage again."_

_"I did not!" he protested, swatting my foot away. "And what's with the language, young lady?"_

_That must be eye-roll reason number one, right after his crafting prowess. "Suck it up. All mom's fault."_

_"It fucking isn't." Way to prove me right. Mom had somehow managed to rearrange herself in under forty seconds. I swear, she was doing this on purpose._

_"You bet it is," I laughed. "Now come one, stage ain't waiting for no one."_

_"We are the only ones preforming," dad grumbled. "They better wait if all they gonna do is ogle my daughter."_

_"No killing this time," mom chided. "Unless one of those fuckers gets grabby, of course. Then you better leave something for me to tear into."_

_Ah, murder. Top family topic. "Whatever," I said. "Not like any of them ever got close. Thanks for nothing, dad." I shot him a look. Like I never got laid before. Asshat._

_"Tayuya," he huffed, glaring at me. Great, name calling. That stopped being scary when I was four. "Be nice now."_

_Heh. And here I thought dad knew me better._

_We made it to the stage with three seconds to spare, as always. Mom did her usual crowd pleasing stuff, dancing in those long robes, fluttering all those itchy fabrics across the stage, while me and dad did all the stuff I had wanted to do before the fucking show was to start. Didn't I tell them that setting up the freaking seals to amplify sound takes time? I bet I had. At least eight times. And that's just counting the last gig in Kiri._

_I took the flute carefully from the small wooden casket I kept it in. I polished it the day before, fixing one of the holes that made the majors sound like fucking shit. While mom did that weird twirling stuff, I put the instrument to my mouth and played. Music always came easily to me, stringing the notes together in melodies that differed every time I played. I kinda lost myself there, after I started. Dad joined me somewhere along and mom began to sing. There was nothing but our music, our song, whose lyrics I never remembered, and it was fucking glorious. The crowd was absolutely silent, I knew my mom's voice had never failed to enrapture anyone of them before, if her dancing hadn't already._

_As always, dad had to pinch me, far too hard you dick, 'cause otherwise I would have just kept playing. I glared at him and whatever he said then was lost in the cheering of the crowd. Mom pulled me forwards, bowed. I sure as hell didn't. As if I'd bow to the crowd. They better be glad I came at all. I put the flute back in the casing as dad thanked them all. _

_I turned, fully intend on laying into mom again for making us late but the next thing I saw was the forest before me, the wraps of the tree root fell off me and I was alone again._

* * *

I hated that dream, even though I loved having it. Just a cruel reminder of all the shit I wouldn't ever have. I wiped at my eyes, rolling to the side, careful not to fall off my tree branch. _It sucked_. The world, my life, everything _sucked_. The sun had barely risen and if not for me being hungry enough to already fucking hurt, I would go right back to sleep.

Time to go back to stealing, then. My bounty couldn't get any higher anyways.

Jumping out of the tree was an old habit that would probably outlast me. It was a fucking stupid habit. The moment my feet left the safety of the tree and gravity set in I cursed. Loudly.

"Fuck!"

I should have learned by now. That was _sooo_ going to hurt

"_FUUUUUCK~_!"

Oh and how it _hurt_. Fucking hell! Ever since my legs got smashed into bits, they hadn't fucking healed correctly while I was on the run. Now dropping from treetops rattled them like I had kicked a pile of kunai. _Motherfucker_-!

I took a good ten minutes to just sit there at the road-side, willing the fucking pain to go away. Wasn't the first time, wouldn't be the last. My legs still felt like shit when I headed to the next town. Well, town was pretty fucking generous, given that almost every god damn village had been reduced to a steaming pile of burning ruins. None of the great ninja villages had survived the war and all that was left was either buried six feet under or huddled away in the few fucking hamlets that were left.

Granted, I had no Idea where the next town was. None at all. The landscape had been reshaped so freakin' much, I couldn't have found the valley of the end if I camped out it in. North sounded like a good start, cause the bitches in the villages south of here had already put a god damn bounty on my head. All I did was take water from the fucking well. Cocksuckers, all of them.

I squinted against the sun as I started walking the deserted road. If there weren't any animals around, I'd just as well fucking starve.

"Couldn't just have kept dreaming, huh?" I asked aloud. It would have been... nice. Better than this shit. The road was too damn long and I had no idea how long I'd survive like this.

* * *

Things were really fucking blurry after a while. Who knew hunger could hurt that much? I made it pretty far. I think. Fuck, could have run in circles just as well. Why was everything around here either a ruin or dead? Ah, _fuck_. Couldn't some rabbit just sneak by? Really slowly? So that I could just grab it and take a bite? I would totally do that.

The forest was thinning around here, so I was either closer to the coast, or almost to Suna, which would really suck. Or maybe I was imagining things. Like that building. It looked... kinda new. I squinted at it. No way. No fucking way. An _Inn_? Really? I am _so_ fucking hallucinating...

Though when I kicked at the sign that read "_Inn Hidden in the Leaf_" it fucking hurt. Wow, I was really lucky today. So much unlike last week when a bunch of bears almost ate me. The Inn didn't look like anything special, though the fact that it wasn't a fucking ruin already made it ten times more attractive than the forest. That aside, the building was actually quite huge. Three, maybe four stories tall, the whole thing looked like someone had built it recently. Fact was, there were still some scaffolds standing on the front wall.

I didn't particularly care for what it looked like as long as I could get some god damn food inside, so I all but kicked the door open. Again, a bad habit that _fucking hurt_. I almost fell face first onto a red carpet. Wow, posh stuff. It was fairly cool inside and actually pretty empty. Carpet aside, wonderfully soft to my bare feet as it was, besides a simple desk and an old couch, there was nothing special. Behind the desk was a blonde man, about my age, asleep while sitting up.

What a shithead. The door was freakin' open, anyone could have come in here and mugged him. In fact... I could just as well. Meh. It didn't look like there was anything worth stealing in here. Better to get some food first.

Ah, walking hurt, now that my mind was a bit clearer. Fuck, a bed wouldn't be too bad as well. Thank fuck I had some money on me. Bandits are fucking stupid after all, so the last one that attacked me got looted. Their furs didn't hurt in the cold nights either. The blonde guy -_were his hair actually fucking yellow_?- didn't even notice me.

"Oi." Shit, why was my voice so weak? Right, dead on my fucking feet. "Oi, Innkeep. A room and a meal." I threw the bag of coins on the desk, startling him awake.

Hm, these eyes seemed familiar. God fuck, that was one hell of a bedroom look right there. Mh, a shag wouldn't be that bad either. Guy didn't look any older than me.

His eyes scaned me once, before he nodded. "Sure thing. Suppose you want your food asap? These days, not much of it to go around anymore."

"You got that right," I snort, trying to ignore the crunching my stomach does at the mere mention of food.

He stands, far taller than me, jeez. He certainly doesn't look like he lacks any food. "Follow me then." He hands me a key, the number four burned into a wooden tag attached to it. There are stairs going up to the second floor, right besides his desk.

Pff... stairs. My newly acquired mortal enemy. "You wouldn't have happened to have a fucking room on the ground floor?"

His eyes flicker down to my legs. Am I that obvious about it? He backs off the stairs, nodding to the other side of the room, to a wooden door off to the left side of the desk. "I guess," he says, making his way over to the door, opening it and waving me inside.

"That your room?" I ask, cause, hell if it isn't.

"Sure is, though I'll be fine upstairs," he says, smiling at me. Mhm, that one might be a good shag before I would be on the move again.

My stomach decides that waiting is wasting time, and growls like a good damn mountain lion. Pretty impressed, actually.

He smiled sympathetically at me. Better not roll my eyes at the guy that might just get me some good fucking food. His eyes unfocused for a moment. "Foods already on the way," he said. "Usually there's a call line in the rooms but... yeah, not in mine. Just call if you need anything. There's a bath out back and showers upstairs. Food's prepared all around the clock."

With that, he takes his leave and I find myself in the room of some random guy without getting out of my clothes in preparations for a good fuck. _Oh, how much the god damn apocalypse changed the world._

Looking around, that guy's room - I totally didn't get a name - was pretty spartan. A bed, looking comfy enough and well made, a shelve with a few books, a small table in the center, a nightstand with a lamp and- _Wait, he's got electricity here_? That's fucking awesome! Haven't seen that in forever! But, aside from that, the room didn't give away much of that guy. I opened his wardrobe, because why not, and found something... orange? I mean... it was just one piece, but still...

Mr. Innkeep was a pretty sexy mystery and that alone felt like it was enough to stay awhile.

Provided I could pay.

Meh, if the money ran out, I'd just fuck him as payment. Mutually beneficial agreement, that'd be. _Hah, genius._

A knock on the door, though he entered without waiting for a response. Shit! I could have gotten naked already! He carried a tray of food. But not just a small, measly bowl of rice with half a side dish, no. It was a god damn buffet. A bowl of rice was there alright, just that it was almost as big as my head. Grilled stripes of meat, eggs, tomatoes, a whole freakin' salad and...

"That a... chocolate cake?" I asked, not sure if I wasn't hallucinating this time.

He smiled, and I took the moment to really study his face. He was scarred, not horribly so, but something must have repeatedly clawed at his face. Something with at least five fucking digits. There were faint markings on his cheeks as well, though what exactly they had once been, no fucking clue, too much scar tissue to tell.

"You don't want it?" he asked, still smiling in this almost eerily calm way.

"As if, dipshit," I huffed, "Been years since I last saw one of these!"

He chuckled, putting _all the fucking goodness_ he had with him on the table. "Well, here you go. Feel free to ask for seconds and-" I looked away from my foody salvation when he stopped, pulling something from his pocket. "-take these," he said, holding out greenish looking pills. "They're going to help with your legs."

Were those solider pills? Mh, smelled differently. _Reeked_, actually. Different color, too. Then again, fucking solider pills wouldn't have helped with my legs and I didn't expect that guy to be some kind of junkie. "What the hell are those. Smell fucking nasty."

"Taste even worse," he admitted laughingly, yet still unnervingly calm, "But they are made of condensed healing chakra. You're gonna feel like new."

He dropped _fucking physically manifested Yang chakra_ on the tablet like it were goddamn Viagra, after I didn't take them and made for the door. "Oh yeah," he added, "If you wanna go to the baths, they are through the sliding door behind my desk, the door at the end of the hall." He left after that.

And again I forgot to ask his name. Then again, there was cake waiting for me.

* * *

The food had been fucking divine. My stomach visibly bulging, I decided to wash months- _years_ of roaming and running out of my hair, and left the room, leaving the pills behind. I'm not yet naive enough to just take some pills someone gave me. I remembered the last time I did that and a neat scar on my stomach was all I got for that shit. Thanks for nothing, fucking Snake Pedo!

He wasn't there when I got out of.. well, not my room, but I was using it, which was kinda cool. Fuck them stairs and all that. The sliding door was hidden as a wall panel and I actually had to grab inside of one of the freakin' wooden wall strips where a handle was hidden. At least the hallway didn't look like some secret lab shit, had the same wooden floor as the rest of the building and nothing reeked of formaldehyde. Giant plus in my book.

As Mr. Innkeep-whose-pants-I'm-invading-tonight had said, the door at the very back did lead into a bath. Through stained glass windows I could see the sun set above what probably was an outdoor bath. A hot spring? Here? Where the fuck did he get access to one in the dead of the forest? And why the hell did he even have the time to dig for it?

Yeah, fuck that. What did I care, anyways?

There was an empty shelf so I threw all of my dirty, grimy and fucking sweaty clothing at it, missing almost entirely, and strode out into the open air with a lot of anticipation. The air was a lot chillier than it had been hours ago. Actually, how fucking long had I been eating? God, fuck, it was evening already! Evening aside, it actually was a god damn hot spring. And a damn huge one at that. Just a single big bath with a few rocks randomly thrown inside but how in the world could I complain?

"You promised to wash my back!"

That was most definitely not Mr. Innkeep. Shame. Would have devoured him right here. Sounded like a kid, young girl, ten-ish. If that.

"Really?" Ah, that's him. "I remember something different."

"But I did make my bed!" the girl whined.

I walked further out into the bath. Sure enough, to the left of the entrance, was a small well, complete with water pump. Blondie, deliciously clad in nothing but a towel - something that most definitely had to change - was squatting more than sitting on a low stool in front of a tiny, black haired girl. Sheesh, she couldn't be older than six. Great voice though.

"Yesterday," blondie responded softly. His blue eyes languidly moved over to me. He eyed me, one slow and intense gaze up and down before he returned his eyes to the girl. Fuck. That was kinda hot. "But I remember promising that I'd wash your back if you'd do it all week, not just once when you thought I weren't looking."

The girl pouted extensively. "You're _meeeean_!" she whined. "_Soooo _mean! I'm telling aunty!"

Naruto, huh? I didn't really remember someone by that name, aside from something that had to do with ramen. He chuckled, a deep, almost growling sound. "You mom will agree with me. She always does. But-" He put his hands onto her shoulder, "- I guess I will make an exception this time. For your help in the kitchen." His eyes slowly and steadily roamed to me again. "Our newest guest was quite pleased."

Gods, I was gonna suck his dick like a fucking lollipop.

"Yay!" the girl cheered, swaying her feet rapidly before she leaned back to Naruto and humming to herself.

There was a stool and a bucket right besides them. Well, why not, I guess? The wood was smooth to sit on, thank the gods, and the water that came from the pump filled a small pool that stood against the wall with warm water. Nice. Dumping a bucket full over my head, I sighed contently. Shit, I missed that...

I heard the girl squawk, probably surprised that I suddenly showed up but, hey, what can I do? Shinobi habits die hard and walking silently was as natural as breathing by now. I cracked an eye open, peering at her out of the corner of my eye. Huh, that, uh, was a Sharingan? Fuck?

"Fuck?"

Yeah, I said that out loud.

The girl jumped, hiding behind Naruto, who turned slowly around to look at me. There... was something distinctively dangerous in his eyes, challenging me, threatening me. Damn, he just got even hotter.

"Nice of you to join us," he said, just as calm as always, but the danger didn't leave his eyes.

I grunted in reply, throwing another bucket full of delightfully hot water over my head. Shit. This never got old. "I guess," I said after a moment, the water still dripping from my hair. I peered at the girl again. She was peeking out from behind his body, eyes black as the night. Right. They did that. "Been a long ass time since I saw eyes like that. Though last time was on the biggest faggot ass in history." That made him an Uchiha, though I never heard of one with blue eyes before. Mh, he had a kid already...

"Hah! Ass!"

"No, Sarada," Naruto said, and I could feel his gaze harden on the side of my head like a physical thing. "You better not repeat that."

"But why!?" she whined. "She said it!"

I looked back at them just in time to see his smirk, eyes gazing directly into mine. "She has the means to back it up." His eyes dipped low for a long moment and a felt the need to flex my thigh.

The girl, Sarada, jumped up and away from him. "That's not fair!" she cried. "Just you wait! I'll grow up, too!" She ran, clad in a towel, out of the bath, leaving me alone with tall, blonde and _fucking sexy._

"I will have to endure her aunt for at least a week now," he informed me.

I smirked. "Well, your fault for having a child, Uchiha."

His smiled was gentle. He swiveled on his stool to face me completely. Well fuck me sideways, and yes, that _was a god damn invitation_. He was ripped, not like his muscled back hadn't been an indication already. Scarred, ripped and drippin' wet.

Not unlike me. _Hah._

But... there, on his stomach, was a _huge_ scar that spanned everything from his lower abdomen to just an inch underneath his sternum. A burn scar? No... something had definitely torn him the fuck open. Well, look at that tenacious fucker.

"She isn't mine," he said, eyes steadily aimed at my own. _Hey_! I was _stark naked_ right here! Would you fucking ogle already? Blondie had entirely too much self control and-

"Not yours?" I echoed, blinking. Yeah, I was so going down on him.

He nodded. "And neither am I an Uchiha. Wouldn't dream of it." His smile grew and he leaned forward, closer to me. "You, on the other hand, look like an Uzumaki to me."

"Well, yeah," I huffed. "Were the red hair not enough of an indication for you?" Like he did, I leaned closer, a few inches between him and me.

He shook his head, I noticed a scar that was hidden under his fringe that ran up into his scalp. "The hair, not so much, the appetite?" His smile grew teasingly. "Definitely an Uzumaki."

My... appetite? That fucking-! I shoved him and he laughed. "Fuck you," I said, though I couldn't hide the small grin that escaped me.

His eyes were fucking smoldering when he leaned back in. "I imagined you would," he breathed.

My heart beat double time as my smile stretched far into an almost predatory grimace. "Yeah, I imagined that too, lover boy."

His smile widened but all of a sudden, the asshole stood up - how could he not have a hard-on visible through that fucking towel!? - and walked out of the bath. "Keep on imagining, Little Red."

"Little... Red?" Did he seriously just call me that? "Whom are you calling '_Little_', you fuck!"

His bright blue eyes glowed mischievously from the doorway. "Prove me wrong," he dared, and left for good.

Oh, prove him wrong I would! And then-! Then I would fuck him _senseless_! And if it is the last thing I do!

* * *

The hotel wasn't as empty as I first fought. I ran into some woman, a tad shorter than me, an obnoxious scar down from her forehead, right between the eyes and even over her mouth until it stopped at her chin, though her hairdo was even more obnoxious. Buns, two of them on the back of her head. She looked like someone had tried to cleave a panda's face in half and took the fur. Well, most of it. But the worst thing was, that she somehow reminded me of that bitch that buried me underneath half a forest, squashed my legs to fucking glibber and then had the gall to let me to live in fucking agony for years.

She carried a huge backpack on her back, which momentarily stopped me in my quest to find that blonde fucker, tear his pants off hand have him mess me up. What the fuck was in that thing? Mutilated Panda stopped undoing straps on the thing when she noticed me.

"Oh, hello," she greeted warmly, "You must be our newest resident. I'm Tenten."

"And I'm on my way past you." Mh, loved how she looked like I had just slapped her. Well, she hadn't offered me food, a bed and _maybe_ her body yet, so no need to be nicer than necessary. "But you wouldn't happen to have seen tall, blonde and an asshole passing through?"

She blinked. "Are you talking about the boss? Well, yes," she said. "He's in the kitchen. Dinner's in half an hour."

Ah, so maybe that's why he didn't shag my brains out in the bath. 'Cause food sounded just right about now. Being horny all afternoon made me hungry. Well, hungry for something besides his cock.

"That's the one," I said with a nod. "Any chance the rest of the people here can pass on dinner? Because I'm about to get in his pants." Her face told me she didn't quite comprehend what I said. "That means I'm going to ride his cock until I see stars. Or pass out. Either way is preferred."

She blushed. How adorable. "I-I know what you meant, seesh! But what gave you the idea Naruto of all people would, uhm.."

"Fuck me so hard I couldn't walk for at least a month," I finished. That was just about true, given that my mobility was already fucking shit. She blushed some more. Gods, what a prude panda. I shrug as to answer her question. "His eyes, I guess. All but screamed '_Let me fuck you_' and such. Not like they needed to. Would mount him anyways." Another shrug. "Anyhow. The kitchens?" She pointed me towards a door to the left, white with a single circular window. "Thanks, Panda girl." A tiny shred of courtesy should be enough, right?

"P-Panda girl!?" I heard her sputter before I opened and closed the kitchen door behind me.

I was kinda impressed by the kitchen it was pretty huge, blondie stood over at a stove and at a sink and also chopping something over yonder...- The fuck? Five of him? Quintuplets? Unlikely. Annoying ass clones, probably. Heh. Five of him. "Who of you is the real one?" I called out. "'Cause I doubt a clone could last long enough for what I want." There was a chair right next to the door. Thank fuck, my legs were killing me already. At least there would be no stairs to climb, bending my legs any more than strictly necessary hurt like shit.

All five of them looked at me, before turning back to their task.

"You're distracting them."

In my defense, I hadn't seen him stand on the other side of the door, like, right besides me. So I may have jumped a little. Just a tad bit. So I threw him a glare. "The fuck, asshole," I huffed. "Could you at least _not_ pop up out of nowhere?"

He took two steps to stand in front of me, just shy of stepping on my toes. "You still didn't take the pills," he observed.

"Yeah, real sharp of you," I spat sarcastically. "Like I'd simply throw back some pills a random dude gave me, no matter how hot he is."

He chuckled, kneeling in front of me. "You ate the food I made for you."

Welp, asshole got me there. Had been so fucking hungry that I didn't even bother checking if for poisons. "Don't mean I just down some fucking pills."

"What if I put them in your dinner?"

"Fuck you!"

He laughed. Asshole. Why was he even kneeling there? Better yet, did he see that I wasn't wearing anything underneath? I definitely crossed and uncrossed my legs often enough to fucking hurt _and_ show off. Breezy. I liked it.

He took my left foot in his hands, his eyes steadily locked onto mine. What was that supposed to be? A foot massage? Well... could be worse, but could also be a lot better. I didn't really respond aside from quirking an eyebrow at him, but obviously he took that as a fucking OK. His fingers pressed into the soles of my feet and I almost yelped. Asshole had strong fingers, but _oh so freakin' divine_. Never thought my fucking feet could feel that good. His hands climbed, past my ankle, which suddenly felt like a dead jellyfish, and on to my calf.

Ah...

Ten digits dug deep into the muscle, squeezing out aches I hadn't know I had and leaving _purest fucking bliss_ in their wake. I let my head fall back, eyes closed because _holy fucking shit my leg was melting_. In the good way, if there ever was one.

"I imagined you would prefer this over some pills," I heard him say, but hell if I cared, just grunted in response. _Gods_...

When he reached my knee, he suddenly stopped and I wanted to kick his teeth in for it, just that he began anew at my other leg. Yeah, pretty far from complaining just yet. For the first time in what felt like decades, but was only just one, I could feel my toes, rather than wonder if they'd died off yet. Then his hands moved higher, _gods fucking hell_, higher onto my thighs and I let out a groan. His fingers found spots I hadn't known had hurt before, his knuckles pressed into crevices I hadn't known existed, puling on muscle and tissue until my blood hummed in my veins, pumping through my legs like never before. And then he put his hands even higher, so high that I could feel the heat of his hands against my core and _fuck me sideways_, I moaned like he had fucking massaged my clit all this time.

I totally lost control of my breathing, tiny twitches escaping my legs and lower body and once he finally dug his fingers into my hips, I snapped back to reality. "You...," I breathed, barely above a whisper because, holy shit where did all the air go, "... I'm going to ride you till sunrise and every single clone just as well."

His eyes burned a fucking hole into my skull as he slowly withdrew his hands, but not before running them down the entire length of my legs, which felt far too fucking good for my own good. "Convince me, Little Red," he whispered into my ear, before, with a fucking cocky grin, he replaced one of the clones at a stove and continued as if nothing had happened.

_That fucking-!_ If my legs weren't jelly, _blissful fucking jelly_, at the moment I would throw myself at him. That god damn tease! What the hell was his deal!?

I had barely managed to get my composure back together when the kitchen door was almost flung into my face. "Naruto!" a girl called jovially into the kitchen before a raven haired, god damn vixen strode inside. Sages and saints, _what were those tits_!? How was her back not crooked as shit? That cow's hair was only half as long as mine, which I definitely counted as a point in my favor, and, unlike her, I had both my eyes. Her left one was burned shut or something, the scar stretching towards her ear, while her other told me that she was a Hyuuga. Either that or had desecrated a fucking corpse to get that eye.

Sir-Fuck-Me-Already stopped mid chopping motion while the clones carried on with their tasks. "Hinata," he greeted her warmly. "How did it go?"

The ditz of a cyclopes bounced on her feet, her tits jumping into his face. _What a bitch_. Mine weren't exactly small, a handful... a _smaller_ hand than lover boy's, but perky as hell and firm. Not like that plump shit that she must have dangling around under her nose. And unlike her fat ass, mine was a work of art. So fuck you, Hyuuga hoe.

"Perfect," she said happily, "The village will manage for at least two more month comfortably. Tenten's got enough supplies to make the track to Gaara and maybe even all the way to Kumo of things are well in Suna."

"That's good to hear," blondie said, chopping up some potatoes. "Any news from B?"

The Hyuuga shook her head, shoulders dropping. "No... it seems there's no one left in the battlefields."

Naruto shook his head. "No need to be upset. The last battle has been seven years ago, it was unlikely for anyone to still hide out there." He smile at the Hyuuga. "If Tsunade is still alive, we will find her eventually."

"I... I suppose. Do- Do you need some help with dinner?"

I scowled. That bitch better be leaving, else she'd have to watch as I tore lover boys fucking pants of and mingled with the potatoes while he boned me. Not that I could, now that my legs were fucking _bone_less. I really need to stop making bad puns in my head...

He shook his head and all of the clones took a moment to stare at cow-tits. Her ears turned red. "I'm almost finished anyways," he said, though his eyes flickered to me. Yeah, asshole better not be finished yet. I sure wasn't.

"O-Oh, uhm, I'll see if Shikamaru needs any help then!" She sounded disappointed. Good.

She turned on the spot and jumped when she saw me. I glared at her but otherwise said nothing, mostly because I didn't trust my voice to be anything other than a breathy moan.

"Ah, y-you must be our newest guest!" she squeaked. Rolling my eyes, I nodded. Uncomfortably, she shifted form one foot to another before glancing back at the dipshit that better fuck me within the next two minutes, who was not paying attention to the two of us. "I-I'm Hinata, it's nice to meet you."

I just grunted but I caught lover boy's eye for a split second, raising an eyebrow at me, so I added, "Tayuya," after a beat of silence. Now he owed me at least two fingers.

The Hyuuga smiled uncertainly before simply shuffling out the door. I was this close to elbow her fat thigh but lover boy was still eyeing me and I refused to undo the bit of goodwill I had earned and was too horny to pass out on whatever I could get out of the dipshit. Or any of his clones. Or... all of them. Now there's an idea...

The door fell shut and now that we were alone again I felt that it was time to try and give my freshly molested legs their first test run. Felt... weird, without the pain. I mean, it was still there, just not even close to the burning it had been before. Neat shit. That meant, I could take him on! Only that he didn't seem to think that way. He was looking at me, throwing diced vegetables into a pot while a clone sliced meat into stripes.

"Better?" he asked, the fire that smoldered in his eyes not even remotely calming down.

Words didn't get to him before, so fuck that. Time for some hands on. I walked up to him with the sway in my hips that had been missing ever since my legs had been crushed. His eyes, however, didn't even flicker from mine. How come intense eye contact was so god damn hot? I let my hand run up his bare forearm, it's heat was fucking astounding, and up his lean yet strong arms until I arrived at his neck. His pulse thundered _slowly_ in his veins, a powerful, steady thrum that vibrated under my fingers. Shit... I bit my lip as I walked around him, keeping my left had in place and repeating the same movement on his right. Even his neck was powerful and I let my fingers encircle his throat. His pulse didn't even quicken. I let go an noticed that lover boy had yet to stop working on the... soup, stew, whatever.

That asshole was ignoring me! Yeah, he'd better think twice about that. I let my hands fall under his arms, pushing down under his shirt and onto his chest. Why did that guy feel like someone had chiseled him out of a burning tree? Because, seriously, his body temperature was fucking scalding! His his chest flexed as my nails dragged lightly over his skin and I pushed myself against his back. It was like hugging an oven, just that this one would later ignite something entirely different in my loins - which were already on fire though.

His shirt stretched far as I pushed my hands further down. No one needed to know that I stood on my fucking toes because that fucker was so god damn tall. It felt like I could grate cheese on his abs, fucking hell, and the way they flexed when my nails dug into them... Damn me! I was trying to have him shiver, not me! Sad shit, I couldn't reach his waist from behind with the stove! That only left plan B.

"Turn around."

It was worth a try, wasn't it?

He obliged, surprisingly, turning on the spot with his head lowered just a tad so he could peer right into my fucking soul. Fucking hell, how did he manage that intense gaze? Shit could be lethal! I tried not to break eye contact, because fuck you I wasn't backing away first, and pushed his shirt up. The scar on his abdomen was surprisingly smooth to touch, tough judging form the jumping muscles underneath also rather sensitive. Fuck yeah!

He had yet to blink, but when my hand brushed low, to where the scar stopped right above his pelvis, his left eyelid twitched. I grinned smugly into his face.

"This is your idea of proving yourself?" he breathed into my ear. "Little Red?"

My hand wandered decisively lower, well below his waistband. My grin widened.

"You sure you can keep playing it cool like that?" I whispered against his cheek before squeezing burning flesh.

His head lowered, I could feel his breath almost burn the skin on my neck, and he whispered into my ear, "Not yet, Little Red."

That fucking-! He turned away, my hand slipping from his pants, returning to chopping whatever. "You better turn right back around, 'cause I'm not finished with you yet!"

"The stew is though," was his answer as he lifted the big pot off the stove. "Food first. Desert later."

I scowled at him. "You won't get away that easily."

His eyes hit me like a heat ray, alive with blue fire, the burning sky. "Neither will you," he rumbled huskily.

Yeah, that's the stuff that made my knees week, crippled legs aside.

* * *

Aside from the mutilated panda and the one eyed cow, there were three others that appeared out of nowhere in the big dinning room right across from the kitchen. I had claimed the seat across from lover boy, because now that my feet were back to work, I was gonna put them to good use. The first to enter, after panda face and cow tits sat themselves down to blondie's left, was the weirdest fuck I had seen since Kidomaru. Just that this one had only _one_ god damn arm. Instead of the other seven, this nutjob wore a fucking green onesie, tight as shit and ugly as hell. His hair was a rendition of '_Please hit me, I'm a pathetic looser_' in C-sharp minor and his eyebrows were as thick as some people's wrists, me - thank god - not fucking included.

"Yosh!" _Aaaand_ I already knew he was a fucking numbskull. "Naruto! You've prepared our meal with the winds of youth fanning the flames!" Shit, this guy was making me sick. Oh fuck, he was looking right at me-! "_AH_! And who's this!? A fair beauty at out table?!" Panda face coughed loudly, glaring at him. He ignored her, though. "Please be my girlfriend!"

...

_Yuck_.

"Yeah, _no_," I said flatly. "You're a fucking creep." And not that blonde hunk with the huge dick. Shit could burn me. It _was _gonna burn me. Soon. _Very_ soon.

Across from me, lover boy snorted. I raised an eyebrow at him, ignoring as caterpillar-eyebrows fell to his knees in fatal defeat. "I remember Sarada's mother saying something very similar to him some ten years ago. Maybe even fifteen."

"Wonder why," I huffed sarcastically. "She coming as well?"

Lover boy's smile faltered a tiny bit. "No, she won't," he said.

"Sakura's been in a coma for a long time now," panda face told me. "She's healthy, just won't wake up. Not really, at least"

I shrugged. Didn't really concern me. Sucked for the child, though. "That why you're looking for Tsunade?"

"Yeah," she said, "Tsunade is Sakura's master and the only other medic nin out there who could possibly help us wake her up again."

Couldn't say I cared much for their sob story, so when no one said anything more, I was fine with that. Caterpillar-Eyebrows had yet to pick himself up from the floor when the door opened and two new weirdos entered. One was Kakashi Hatake - had that asshole even aged? - and no other than the shadow molester himself.

"Great," I sighed, eyeing Hatake as he sat down right besides me with an eerie, one eyed smile. I scowled at the shadow bitch. "Why did you of all people have to survive the war?" The asshole had a fucking goatee. Did he have to give me more reasons to kill him or was he doing that on purpose?

"I could ask you the same question." He yawned right after he said that and sat down as if I hadn't almost killed him once before. Mind you, that was after he groped me with his fucking shadows.

"Fuck you," I growled, "This time, your sandy girlfriend isn't here to save your ass!"

"Wife," he said lazily, "She's a wife now. Mine, to be precise. Though that's a drag, too..."

I was not surprised. Everyone what they deserve, right? So he got the sand bitch. Great. He didn't attack me, no need to kick his teeth in. _Yet_. But if I saw one shadow squirm weirdly in my direction, I would fucking castrate him. I really hoped my eyes conveyed that.

The door opened once more, a clone of lover boy bringing in the huge pot of... what was it? Stew? Soup? Yeah, I was gonna eat it anyways. The silence was fucking awkward. Couldn't they just have talked? Did I really have to say something to those assholes? But... you know, now that I think about it, with the shadow bitch here and a Hyuuga cyclopes... didn't that mean...? Like, the only blonde from Konoha I remember was that scrawny half pint in the orange track suit. The one I punched right in the fucking face. But that one had whiskers. Or at least markings that looked like something like that.

I peered at lover boy. _Naruto_. Mh, hadn't caught the blonde idiot's name back then, so might as well be. Whiskers? Well, lover boy had those strange markings, but they were faded and could maybe be whiskers if I squinted real fucking hard and since when did birthmarks fade?

He caught my eye, peering back at me even as he filled his plate with stew. His fucking clone got me a plate too before it vanished without even creating a shred of smoke. Was that a thing? Couldn't tell, because f_ucking hell did that shit smell delicious_!

Table manners? Never heard of that. Restraint? Didn't have any. So while I shoveled -_gods why was this so fucking good_ \- food into my mouth, my newly flexible feet went on a journey across the distance between me and fuck-the-cook and traveled up in between his legs.

His eyes jumped from his spoon to me and I smirked innocently at him. Well, no... smugly. Maybe a tad crazy. And definitely horny. He, the stupidly sexy fuck, didn't so much as twitch. And neither did his face. The others had some conversation I couldn't care less about, talking about... well, not blondie's dick or a way in his pants so I tried to figure it out by myself. There wasn't as much feeling in my toes as I had hoped, so I couldn't grip what I assumed to be his zipper.

I almost broke off my front teeth with my spoon when one of his hands slipped under the table and grabbed my left foot. His eyes - I swear to any god, his fucking eyes radiated actual heat - bore into mine and only after panda girl asked him something, he turned to look away.

_Haaah... Fuck_. Well, back to the food. I finished my bowl while my foot awkwardly hung under the table but just as I filled up a second one, his thumb or something pressed into the sole of my foot. _Oh god-! _Shit, why were my feet so fucking sensitive? Okay, stupid question, but holy fucking shit! I swallowed hard to keep a god damn moan down and shakily put the bowl down in front of me. Hatake glanced at me, but because the eye on my side was covered by his stupid bandanna, he couldn't really see my leg twitch under the table.

Lover boys finger bore deep into my foot, running down from the ball to the heel and all the while he gazed at me as if he tried to set me on fire. He got me hot alright. But two could play that game and I had still my other foot floundering about under the table. I stepped on his god damn cock with too little force - curse my weak ass legs - and he smirked at me, sexy asshole! Was his dick actually bigger than my damn foot? Was that a thing?

I put a spoon full of that delicious stew in my mouth - there was actually pork in it, thought it was chicken, the tomatoes were filled with... Wait! Why did I care!? I tried not to mewl when he gripped my ankle in a weird way that made my foot feel like it was encased in wool and glanced over at the others. The shadow ass was asleep, _for fucks sake_, while the Hyuuga kept throwing disapproving and embarrassed glances at him. Panda girl was having an animate conversation with Hatake, who didn't appear like he was listening at all. How did he even eat through that mask? Looked like a genjutsu. Or maybe it was a seal that-

"_Fuck_!"

I bit my fucking tongue when blondie put his own, far longer legs to use, pushing one foot right into my crotch through those half ass pants I pilfered in the bath. He wiggled his toes and I almost dropped my fucking spoon. I glared at him. Fucking asshole! The others stared at me, so I threw a glare back at them. Hatake, though, seemed amused, whereas the others just returned to their dinner. Monkeys, all of them.

I returned my glare to blondie, just as he increased the pressure against my crotch, leaving it like that, not moving. He was a fucking tease! _Worse_ than me! I returned the favor, trying to move my foot more than my leg because _fucking hell_, delicious friction!

"Yeah, too tired," shadow bitch announced suddenly, "Gonna call it a night. Tomorrow I'll be heading to Suna anyways." He grabbed the caterpillar weirdo off the ground and dragged him out of the room.

There was a bunch of "Good Night"'s, blondie's didn't even sound strained, though his pants sure were.

The good ol' Fuck you! I threw after him did sound just a tad higher though. I tried my best not to move and after about five more minutes of me awkwardly tying to keep eating and not fucking grind against his foot, the panda and the Hyuuga left as well. Not that I noticed when they did.

"Didn't know you were the kind to play footsie," Hatake suddenly said ,rising from his seat. "Well, the night is young and I think I better check on the fire wood." He flicked something at blondie, who dodged it instead of catching. "It wasn't a paper bomb," Hatake said with a sigh. "This time," he added, before leaving the room.

The moment the door closed lover boy pulled on my god damn leg, driving his foot hard all over all them good places and I bent the spoon against the table with a groaned out moan.

"You fucking... tease!" I huffed at him.

"I take that as a complement," he replied. "Though it was you who started it."

Point taken. "Then let me fucking finish it this time-!" I croaked, _fuck me_, before he dragged his foot down my crotch, scrapping my clit with just the right amount of force to make my head swim. "_Gods_, you little-! Come over her and fuck me already!"

He did indeed stand up, softly letting go of my foot, and walked over to me. He bent down behind me as I was catching my breath. Fuck, I was so close! His breath burnt my neck, his lips brushed my god damn ear and he breathed, "But where would that be fun?"

And then he walked out one me. Left me steaming in the chair, where I had almost creamed myself just because of his _god damn foot._

"That-! That bastard!" I huffed against the table, the cool surface not really cooling me at all. My legs were jelly once more, especially the one foot he had fondled for almost half an hour. Yeah... a minute of rest, then I would find him, drag him into the next bed, and ride him till he begged for mercy.

Though... the other way around felt entirely acceptable at this point.

* * *

A hazy ten minutes later I found my way out of the dining room and through the panel door, only to find lover boy sitting at his fucking desk - so right in front of me - shuffling some papers from left to right. I was in no mood for teasing, to I draped myself over his back - also because my legs had like no strength at all left in them - and bit his fucking earlobe. Asshole didn't even flinch.

"Will you drag me into your room already and bend me over the coffee table?" I rasped.

He chuckled. "Weak in the knees?"

"And whose fault is that?" I huffed, dragging my hands down his stomach.

"Temari's I imagine."

"Fuck you." He laughed. Asshole. "You're rock hard."

"I imagine you're dripping all over my floor."

He had a point there. My thighs felt rather slimy at this point. "_That's_ your fault, asshole."

Lover boy turned his head, his nose touching mine, and he focused his annoyingly hot stare at me point blank. _Ugh_, that should be fucking illegal. "I know," he breathed against my lips. "Still, why'd you go after me? I imagine Lee could have done the job just as well."

I shuddered. "Fuck... I don't wanna imagine that at all, dipshit!" Fucking gross! Just imagine him wiggling those caterpillars at me! I grabbed his dick through his pants. Hard. "Besides, I got this right here, why go for anything else?"

"Exactly my question." He inched even closer, his lips couldn't have been more than a quarter inch from mine. "You still have to prove yourself to me. So do tell, do you throw yourself at everyone like that or is it just me?"

What a stupid fucking question! As if I just throw myself at everything that had two legs and a dick! _And normal eyebrows._ "Do I look like a fucking whore to you?" I hissed.

He swiveled further in his chair, grabbing my waist and pulling me into his lap. My legs dragged awkwardly after me, little to no feeling left in them. "No," he chuckled, puling me close, his arms encircling me completely. "But you aren't exactly fighting me, either, hm?"

How could someone's voice cause these tremors? His whole body radiated heat, warmth I had missed in my bones for years. As fucking sexy as he was, the sheer comfort I got out his presence was as wholesome as it was fucking terrifying. His hands clawed at me, in just the way I needed his fingers to dig into my skin, opening up my tunic like he had invented the fucking thing - wait, maybe he had? - all the while keeping me frozen with his hot as shit stare.

"So?" I pressed out, hyper aware of his hands wandering down my stomach. "What'cha gonna go about it?"

He hummed, lowly, so low that his whole body vibrated softly against me. "Maybe," he said huskily, his fingers drifting into short red curls, "Maybe I'll just indulge you."

"Gods- _Fuck_!" His skin burned against mine. I imagined the moment he made contact with my crotch, it fucking sizzled. Like, fuck, it burned so god damn good! "This took far too long to happen!" I hissed against his neck. I gasped as he slid a finger inside, only barely keeping myself from biting a piece out of his neck. "But it's not enough!"

He chuckled, one arm pulling me closer, the other going deeper still. Holy shit, how long were his fingers? "You sound - and feel, by the way - pretty satisfied to me."

I growled, biting his neck. No way I was gonna take this lying down. At least not his fingers. I had kinda forgotten that my hands where still around - almost did again when his thumb attacked my clit - and got started on fucking payback. Payback, that would hopefully include his dick. I found the objective of my quest with ridiculous ease, given that the damn thing had been burning my ass raw for about two minutes now, so I set my hands to work, awkwardly wedging them between my now spread legs and into his crotch.

That was gonna hurt, I realized. Not because he was fucking hung like a freakin' horse or something, but, for one, I certainly didn't have the Hyuuga cow's hips that were probably made for taking her whole clan at once, and second, he was just too fucking hot. Like, the heat that came off him was probably blistering my fingers. I almost blacked out when he curled his fingers, scrapping a spot that sent a spasm all throughout my body.

"That's it!" I panted, pushing myself off him. But my god damn legs had turned into leaden jelly, so I fell onto the fucking desk like a sack of potatoes, albeit a fucking sexy one. "You little bitch turned my legs into goo again! So carry me the fuck to your room and lay into me or sages help me, I will drag you there by the skin of my teeth!"

"Huh!?"

I heavily rolled my head to the side, heaving as I lay on the table, staring at the stairs that came down right besides us. Panda girl. Fuck her. "What ya lookin' at?!" I huffed, terribly out of breath and oh so god damn horny.

Her face was redder than mine, which I'd consider impressive, and she stammered some bullshit before finally turning to lover boy, who was better getting out of his pants or I'll tear them off! "N-Naruto!? What in the world are you doing?!"

"_Shagging me senseless_!" I all but snarled back. "What's it look like to you!"

"B-But why!?"

Blondie sighed behind me and I was half about to return myself to his lap when he grabbed me at the waist and hoisted me over his shoulder. "Oi! You stupid sexy hunk, I'm no potatoes sack!" Woah, did I leave that spot there on the hardwood floor? That was... concerning.

"I'll pay you back," he told my thigh, adding a squeeze for emphasis. He turned, facing panda girl and displaying my ass full view. That motherf-! "I'll be in my room for a while. You better knock _loudly_ if something comes up."

Oh fuck yeah! I flipped panda girl the bird once lover boy had turned us around and slammed the door close behind us.

I was thrown on the bed, landing exactly where I had wanted to be for at least the past 24 hours. I smirked up at him, way to out of breath. "Get these pants off of you already, lover boy!"

He however, did not take his fucking pants off. Instead, he sat down at the bedside, back to me. "You are... an interesting one," he said. I could see him smile a bit. Still, not why I was on his fucking bed without anything on below the waist.

"Yeah? Also pretty fuckable right here!" I all but snarled back. There was an itch to scratch!

In one smooth motion he turned, his hand nestled between my instinctively clutched thighs again and my hips jumped a foot off the bed. "I know," he told me, his face hovering over me. "But you do realize that this is a dream, right?"

"What?"

* * *

_"What?"_

* * *

_"A dream?"_

* * *

_"You should wake up, Tayu, the stage is set."_

_"Five more minutes, for fucks sake..."_

_"Dear? Get the drum sticks."_

* * *

"Fucking what-?!_Agh_!"

My head hit something _really_ freaking hard. Stars clouded my vision, just not the good kind anymore. Ow... My head...

"Sounded like a really bad dream," lover boy's voice said from somewhere to my left, "Or a really good one. Couldn't tell." Something cool was placed against my aching forehead. "Startled you pretty and either way. My headboard's got a new dent."

Light was shit. Eyes hurt. But the blonde one at the bedside was most definitely lover boy. "Oh yeah?" I croaked, "You mind shagging me until there's another one?"

"Who says we didn't?" I could hear that cocky smirk.

"My pussy, dipshit."

"Point taken."

I waved my hand dismissively, almost slapping myself in the face. Fuck, why was I so exhausted?

"You ate too much," he said. "After being starved for a long time, it threw your body for a bender."

"I bet your foot in my crotch didn't help at fucking all," I groused. Or... was he talking about the first time I ate something here? Nah, how could I know of panda girl and her ever faithful sidekick the Hyuuga cow.

"Are you going to complain?"

I snorted. Asshole. "Of course. Neither here nor in my fucking dream I got you to fuck me."

He laughed and I threw a pillow at him. Fuck, why was I smiling? I didn't smile. Tayuya of the mother fucking North Gate didn't freaking smile. I snarled. I _sneered_. I smirked and, on the off chance, smiled _sardonically_. Something about that blonde stupid - _albeit sexy_ \- asshole drew me in. Something in the way he moved, something in the way he talked... I couldn't pinpoint it. It was just _different_!

"Come on," he said, "Let's see how the others are fairing."

I scowled. "Why the fuck would I?"

"You'll get to take a bath in the evening."

Hm. Baths were a freaking luxury. "Will you be there as well?"

He smirked at me, his heat seeking, laser blue eyes and then some staring a hole into my fucking soul. "If you want me to."

Was he touched in the head or something? "I want you to put your dick in me," I huffed. "The bath seems like a reasonable location."

"If I get everything done for today, we will see. Of course, it might go faster if you help out."

That bitch. Blackmailing me with sex. Good for him it worked. "Fine," I sighed. "When did you become such a cunning shit? All I remember of you is a hideous orange jumpsuit and a big mouth."

His eyes dimmed a tad, the loss of warmth was unsettling. "Well, I guess I changed a lot, yes," he mused, gazing at something I couldn't see. "War happened, I suppose. People died, I didn't. That's where that left me."

Must have been fucking brutal. The war had been going on for a long time before that ugly ass tree was incinerated by... well, him, I'd say. That shit started when I was like sixteen, which was now ten years back. That Uchiha kid, Sarada, was about five and had most definitely been born after the war, or even during if she was six or seven. Three years of war and bullshit all around the god damn continent. Lover boy looked like he had taken it in a stride through the barbed wire.

Life just sucks sometimes.

"You gonna spill some sob story now? Don't you dare, I'm not into these emotional talking and shit!"

He rolled his eyes at me, sexy asshole that he was, and offered his hand. The only reason I didn't slap it away was so I could get my hands on him. Literally. His hands were callous, rough and warm against mine. Long, long fingers, lover boy had, and I would have him put them to good use.

"I wouldn't dream of it," he answered, pulling me out of the room.

* * *

This hotel stuff was strange. Aside from all those tree huggers, a.k.a the survivors of Konoha, there were a few others in the fifteen rooms upstairs. One was an old creep that reeked of sake and glared at everything that so much as moved through his field of vision. I felt obligated to glare that old fart back into submission but lover boy stopped me. _Che_! Old goat could use a kick in the ass to get himself back together.

"He lost all his children to the tree," lover boy said, "They didn't survive the tree's drain. No civilian did."

"So he came here and spends his days drinking? What a fucking loser."

Lover boy just shrugged. "He never got over it. I don't think he ever will," he said, almost as if he were talking about himself.

He did a lot of stuff by himself, didn't use the clones that he could make appear out of thin air as if they had always been there. He changed sheets in empty rooms, restocked a huge pantry with stuff out of the bag panda girl had carried the day before and got fire wood - which was the only thing I actually helped with. All the time I never once saw the other tree fuckers going around. There was that grumpy guy in room 1, the weird singing woman in room 2, the cat lady in room 3, the young one that looked like he had never seen a proper girl before with the way he gawked at my legs in room 4 and the really, really fat one who may or may not die of a stroke at any given time. How did someone get that fat anyways with the way food was short everywhere?

"That all you do?" I asked, "Ever since the war ended? You got yourself a god damn inn and spend all your time here, doing nothing?"

He paused, a basket full of towels slung over his shoulder. "Hm," he made. "I suppose. But it's not exactly nothing." He smiled at me. Asshole. Why did that make my lips twitch? "We are doing what we can for those who survived. I am here while Sasuke is out there, helping the survivors and guiding those who can't keep going here."

"Aren't you stronger than that cock sucker?" He must be. He looked like it. Not bulky but lean, freakin' hot muscle.

We strode into the baths and he began sorting towels into the shelves. "I am, yes," he said, though there was no pride to that at all. "But I am also better with people, while Sasuke is not." He thew a towel at me. I caught it before it could hit me in the face. I growled at him, though the sexy bastard just smiled gently. "That said," he continued, "What do you mean, cock sucker? He does have a daughter and he most certainly didn't father her by sucking dick. That's something I'd say Orochimaru would try."

I laughed. Fuck, I laughed. He said it in a way that hit me by surprise, totally nonchalant yet with a hint of sarcasm that had me almost keel over laughing.

"That funny, am I?" he mused aloud, glancing at me from the corner of his eye.

"Shut up!" I guffawed, trying to get my breathing back under control, "It wasn't that funny!" Fuck, I hadn't laughed in years.

Great, blondie made me laugh. I still say he could just have fucked me already, but _nooo_, he just had to be difficult. I slugged him in the shoulder but he didn't so much as flinch, sexy muscled bastard, and left the baths behind. My hand stung for at least half an hour.

And so, somehow, I got roped into his hotel stuff, being blackmailed with dick. Well, I considered this to be one hell of a lot better than anything I did before.

* * *

I took a day to observe the Hyuuga woman with the huge tits. Why? Well, lover boy had suddenly up and left - all before I got dicked in the bath! - to get some survivors over here, which left me with doing... _something_. I most certainly didn't go around cleaning shit, not unless lover boy would suddenly offer himself up to be bathed and you'd bet I'd clean every single fucking inch of him. Probably with my tongue. Damn, years of isolation turned me freakin' crazy.

_And hella horny._

Anyhow, cow tits had something really motherly to her - aside from her huge ass and tits - and was maybe responsible for keeping a lookout with her one, fancy, remaining eye and cooking whenever lover boy wasn't. '_Maybe_' because no one in this whole establishment seemed to be responsible for anything especially. Aside from caterpillar eyebrow. All his job seemed to be was weird out everyone in the general vicinity. And try to make a pass at me. Fucking creep.

So I might have had a worse first impression of cow tits than she actually was. She and panda girl seemed to be the only ones around here I could actually spend time around without being weirded the fuck out. Well, them and little Sarada. Though I didn't see too much of her, much less of her mother, comatose and all that.

They Hyuuga - Hinata, as she wanted me to call her - was backing something. It all but reeked of cinnamon and that was, like, the only reason I volunteered to help. Meaning I was there to taste test and eat whatever dough was left in the pots. She was humming something I hadn't ever heard before, stirring a bunch of eggs, flour and some other stuff at incredible speed.

I was watching her, bored at this point, leaning on the counter behind her. "I think," I began, "I remember you. From way back when Oro-Pedo had that stupid idea of abducting his Uchiha boy toy."

She didn't even slow down. "Mhm," she hummed pleasantly, "I think I do too. Though I only saw you with my Byakugan. I never heard what became of you."

"Got a forest dropped on my fucking legs," I said simply. "What happened to your eye?"

She fingered the scar at her temple, where it thinned and reached almost her earlobe. "I got lucky," she said, her stirring momentarily forgotten. "Naruto saved me when... when Madara tried to get an eye. I just so happened to be the next one in reach. His fingers had already reached inside and- ... so when Naruto stopped him, I lost the eye."

I snorted. "Looks like he almost tore your damn face off, too." Madara, huh? There was only just one person wit that name that had gone down in history. Could Madara fucking Uchiha actually have...? Well, who the fuck cares? It was over anyways. I didn't have much to do with the war, other than trying to freaking survive and then end up in a god fucking bullshit genjutsu of all things!

"I survived," she said, a tad morosely perhaps. "Sakura managed to reduce it to just this scar. Many others weren't that lucky. Sakura gave it her all after the war, but Sarada's birth weakened her even more and then..."

"Spontaneous coma?" I guessed. She nodded, not saying anything more. Oh, well. Sucks to be that kid. At least her mother wasn't fucking dead.

"No," the Hyuuga shook her head, "She knew it was coming, just not why. She fell asleep almost two years ago now."

I grunted noncommittally. Sucks, but that's how it is. I eyed her as she put some sugar into the bowl. "So... you like lover boy, huh?" She squeaked, blushed and sputtered as she dumped three times the amount of sugar needed into the bowl. Yeah, that was, like, the only answer I needed. "Got all touchy feely with him yet?"

"N-No! I- I could never just-!"

"Good," I huffed with a smirk. "Cause I will. Wouldn't want to break something apart." Even though I _totally would_. That was obviously not her comfort zone, which was funny to watch, but annoying to hear. "Stop stammering, will you? I was joking." I absolutely wasn't, though it calmed her down enough to go back to fidgeting in silence.

But, for as ridiculous as her tits were, her cooking was fucking awesome. At least, the backing part. Never ate that good a cinnamon bun in my life. Not that that meant much with someone like me.

* * *

Panda girl was running for supplies all day. At least, that's what I gathered. She went out, returned with her backpack filled to the brim and lover boy or the shadow bitch would store it away. But sometimes, like today, she would take something out of the storage and take it somewhere. But where?

"Hm? Oh! Hello there!" Obviously, she hadn't heard me approach. Hah! Still got it in me! Now better than ever, since my legs weren't as numb as before. "Sorry, what did you just ask?"

"Where are you taking all that stuff?" I asked again, leaning against the door frame, in front of which panda girl was tying her sandals tight around her feet.

She stood, shouldering her ridiculous backpack. "To the villagers south of here. They... don't want to come here, so the boss, _Naruto_ I mean, sends me and Lee to them with supplies every other week or so." She hopped, adjusting her load. "It's not like they can't provide for themselves anymore, but we are getting them the stuff they lack. Medicine, and the like. Water purifiers, this time."

"Medicine?" I asked. "The pills lover boy seems to carry around?"

"Lover...?" she repeated, not getting who I meant. "Oh, you mean Naruto! Well, yes. The pills he makes. They help with physical trauma and cure most poisons. Taste terrible, though."

Hm. Maybe, just maybe, I should take them... But only if lover boy fed them to me. With his tongue. Yeah, that sounded like a solid plan. "Where is he anyways?"

Panda girl shrugged. "Shikamaru said he went to see if Sasuke had found some survivors. He was getting impatient. He'll be back soon anyways."

"Sasuke? That faggot survived?" The sarcasm was solid in my voice.

She nodded, the sarcasm missing her by miles. "Who do you think fathered Sarada? Anyways, the Sky country is just a hop across the lake for him. He's the fastest, after all."

Sky country? I... what? That was, like... thrice the distance from Konoha to Suna? "Sky country," I deadpanned. "Like, for real?"

She shrugged again. "Yeah, he's really far out there but-" She pointed overhead, to something I hadn't noticed before. Over the doorway and just below the sign that read "_Inn Hidden in the Leaf_" was a kunai. A three pronged one. "-we have that, so he could be here any second now."

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Yup."

"Well fuck," I huffed. "Now I just have to suck his dick!"

"W-What?" Panda girl stammered. "Y-you-! Why!?" Yeah, a prude one.

I grinned at her. "Because I want to!"

* * *

Hatake was a creep. A peeping tom and all that shit. He was apparently greatly amused by my advances on lover boy and took a great deal of pleasure of questioning me on my intentions. I told him to fuck off so I could lure lover boy into... well, _his_ bed, but he kept leaning against the door frame, nose buried in that grubby orange book of his. I didn't think those existed anymore, but apparently Hatake was enough of a fucking creep to still have a copy of Icha-Icha, hand-signed and cum-stained.

Great.

"Don't you have anything better to do?"

He shrugged. "No, not really." He clapped his book shut, putting it in one of his vest pockets. Curiously enough, he put it in a different one every time, yet seemed to pull a book from the right breast pocket whenever. How did he do that? "I still have to observe how you get Naruto to actually bed you."

I glared at him. "I don't have to, he's already head over hot ass for me."

"Oh my, I must have missed that."

There wasn't even a hint of sarcasm. It bothered the living shit out of me. "Fuck you."

He chuckled and left. Bitch! Stupid, one eyes, Bitch!

* * *

When lover boy returned I did the only reasonable thing to resolve the situation: I grabbed his face and kissed him. _Hard_. His lips were like fire against mine and the asshole had the gall to smirk into the kiss but it was too fucking _good_ anyways. The three dozen refugees/survivors/fucking extras shuffled awkwardly around us in front of the hotel while Sas-gay Uchiha (right, not that gay. Somehow had a daughter) raised an eyebrow and walked off to gods know where but I did not fucking care.

He didn't stop me, so I didn't. Must have been a solid two minutes of eating his face before the oxygen I git through my nose wasn't enough anymore. His eyes, unlike mine, were wide open, staring intensely at me. Yeah, that gaze alone earned him another kiss, though it was considerably shorter than the first one.

"I earned that one, didn't I?" I asked huskily, still a bit out of breath.

The people around us had dispersed to hell if I cared where and were it not for the fact that it was beginning to rain, I would have devoured him right then and there.

He smirked coolly at me, his eyes narrowing just a bit. My knees felt a lot weaker than half a second before. He put a hand on my shoulder, leaning in to whisper in my ear. "That's for me to decide, isn't it?"

There was something entirely too dangerous about the way he said that, the sexy kind of dangerous. The fire in his eyes cut me like an invisible blade as his gaze cut across me when he turned away and left. I swallowed hard. Fuck... that was intense. Scary, but intense. _And oh so worth it!_

"Pretty daring of you," someone said monotonously behind me.

I spun, coming face to face with Sarada's father, the snake pedo's ex-sex-toy. _Ex-sex-toy_, _heh_. "What's it to you, red eye?" I growled.

He shook his head. "Nothing much," he said, walking past me into the hotel lounge, "But know that Naruto has never been especially close to anyone since the war. Consider me impressed." He stopped in the doorway, smirking smugly at me. "Then again, you are quite a bit different from anyone else he ever dealt with."

"You bet I am, asshole!" I huffed. "I'm Tayuya _motherfucking_ Uzumaki and if I want something, I take it!"

His asshole smile grew a tad larger. Ugh, smug bitch... "This might just be amusing to watch."

Right, that creep Hatake had been his teacher years ago. _Fan-fucking-tastic. _"I will poke your eyes out if I find you peeping on me, Uchiha bitch."

Asshole laughed somewhat emotionlessly and left. Yeah, he better!

* * *

Sleeping in the same bed with lover boy was hot. I would have slept with him in the same bed, but that sexy bastard steadfastly refused to shag my brains out. Not with so many words, but with that infuriatingly calm smile and a smoldering gaze before he turned on his back and kept it in his pants. I was desperate alright, but not about to rape some guy in his sleep. Pretended or not. Lover boy better not let me smolder for much longer 'cause in due time I'd have him, asleep or not. Lowered inhibitions and all that. That said, sleeping in the same bed was still hot.

Literally.

I was never exactly a girl with that high of a body temperature and while I grew into a fucking hot woman, I still tended to freeze when the sun was gone. And that's why sharing a bed was so hot. And comfy.

Took me about five minutes to convince him to sleep in his bed with me, meaning I basically dragged him into the room before he could make his way upstairs, pushed him onto the bed and threw my very naked self right after him. It didn't amount to mind blowing sex, sadly, but I got him into bed, which was one huge fucking step farther in that direction than the Hyuuga girl ever got. You bet I grinned as smugly as possible at her when I came out of the room with lover boy. I may have pronounced my limp just a tad more than necessary, the girl lit up like the ambient light in any red-light district I had ever seen and hurried off to the kitchen.

Yeah, once the girl got some, too, I'd tease the living daylight out of her. But, before that, I, too, needed to get some, for fucks sake!

"You look cute when you sleep."

His voice was rough, rougher than usual, and I could feel it vibrate against my body. I had chosen to sleep atop of him, obviously, so he couldn't just escape once I fell asleep. And as fucking sexy as his voice was, I was, under no circumstances, cute or any other word close to that.

I didn't respond verbally, instead I let my right hand wander underneath the blanket, finding quickly what I was searching for. Not so little lover boy was up as well and just when I cracked an eye open to glare at him, I accented the gesture with a few vigorous strokes. Sexy asshole didn't even twitch, much less his face. " 'm not cute," I grumbled at him, voice dripping with sleep.

He chuckled warmly, his smoldering gaze staring unblinkingly against my glare. I didn't relent, instead trying to distract him with a few more good pumps but either was he absolutely immune to my admittedly soft hands, or he was locally anesthetized. He sat up abruptly and I was too comfy between his smokin' hot body and the warm blankets so I offered little resistance when I found myself sitting upright in his lap, my head tucked under his chin.

"Lie back down, asshole," I huffed. "Who said I was finished with you?"

Lover boy gently pushed my chin up so he could direct that unnervingly hot and sexy gaze of his directly into my god damn soul.

Now, I get that that's a bit strange, hearing that just someone looking at you has that kind of hot effect. I read a book once - believe it or fuck you - and there was a phrase in it. _Quacking Loins_. You know what that means? Yeah, me neither; but from the context of the book - Kakashi's favorite, I bet - I gathered that it had to do something with otherworldly arousal and it's physical effect. So when lover boy does his freaky laser eye, heat ray sexy stare thing, my loins don't just quake.

They motherfucking erupt. Not _literally_. Nah. Literally would... well, the word gushing got a bit closer but it's not like I wet myself.

Yet.

Fact was, that stare made me weak just about everywhere, knees included. I swallowed hard. "You keep staring at me like that," I pressed out, far more demurely than my voice had any right to sound, "You'll have to change the sheets."

He leaned down, closer and closer to my face until I could feel his god damn eyelashes flutter against my cheek. That was good. His super-soaker stare was off for a moment and my heartbeat got a chance to slow the fuck down. "Giving in that easily?" he taunted quietly. I could hear the cocky smirk on his lips.

Summoning what little strength I had left after my heart had vibrated for a minute straight, I pushed him back with what should have been a snarl, but came out as a weak huff. I slugged him in the chest as he let his body fall back a tad. I got distracted by his abs. I swear to every god out there, I could grind cheese on those. Maybe even stone. The scarring couldn't get any worse anyhow. That aside, scars were sexy. Tearing my eyes from his abs, I swung my right leg with what little grace possible over to his other side, trying and failing to ignore the pain of bending my knees, and straddled him.

I may have imagined the sizzling noise, but when everything left between my soaked vagina and his achingly hard cock was that thin blanket I was sitting on, that's exactly the noise it must have made. How did his dick not melt off? Not that I cared, my body sure as hell provided enough fluid to counter that. "I don't give in, lover boy," I hissed triumphantly, now that I had gained the advantage, "And if you won't put your dick in me, I'll have to do it myself!"

He didn't offer any resistance aside from that wretched, calm smile. However, it was me who offered resistance in turn. Oh his dick went in alright, pure bliss for at least an entire inch. Then the fact that I'm an Uzumaki and hand't had dick for at least half a decade came back to bite me.

I grimaced. Great. Deflowered once more. Or not. Really depends on how one sees that. My legs ruined the moment even further as my knees screamed at protest at their bent state. Lover boy grabbed me under the thighs, keeping me from sinking down further, which annoyed me as much as I was grateful for it.

"Yet another indication for you to be an Uzumaki," he said with a soft smile.

I huffed. Pain wasn't anything new to me, but it had no place in a good fuck. "Charming, Sherlock. Spin me around will you?"

He did as he was told and I finally got to stretch my legs again. I sighed in relief. Lover boy brushed my hair aside to murmur against my neck. "What will it take for you to accept the medicine?"

I smirked, leaning my head back to lay it atop his shoulder. My smirk grew wider when his eyes grew seemingly darker when I began gyrating my hips against him. "Go figure, lover boy."

Second time was easier. Better. _Hotter_. And a lot deeper. I groaned, long and loud. Holy mother of-! Heat flooded my entire body, centered between my legs, which I thankfully couldn't even feel even more. His lips burned my neck, leaving bliss in their wake. I buried my hands in his short hair pulling him closer. "Move it lover boy!" I barked huskily. "My legs won't so you'll have to do!"

He chuckled and I could feel the vibration in every fiber of my body, down to my toes. "Regret refusing treatment yet?" I tried hard to glare at him, but he choose that moment to shit, chocking the words off as I tried to growl them at him. Instead I moaned into his neck. Fuck, I needed this. "I'll take that as a yes."

I didn't care. I needed him to move, to shove his dick deeper and deeper into men and fuck my god damn brains out. His movements were gentle, agonizingly slow, and if not for his hands, which somehow took my breath away with every little touch.

"Mothef-!" I groaned out as his pace suddenly picked up.

"I resent that," he whispered, apparently not at all out of breath.

"Asshole!" I bit out between a moan and a gasp as he hit a spot that made my head swim.

Lover boy was a fast learner, 'cause he hit that spot again and again. Over and over with a precision that shouldn't have been possible and - holy mother gaia - he fucked my god damn brain first into mush and then straight out of my ears. At least, that's what it felt like. The stars that clouded my vision were just an extra.

I was gasping for breath when the world slowly tilted back into a semi normal state. "That-," I breathed, patting lover boy's head - 'cause he was a good, good boy right now, "Was the hardest I ever came."

He kissed my neck. Fucking cheesy. Fucking delish. I wasn't going to complain anymore. He better hadn't left any weirdly shaped hickey, I was kind allergic to those. "Who said were were finished?" he asked after another toe-curling nip at the base of my neck.

I grinned widely and threw my head back onto his shoulder. "Heck, you aren't as stupid as you look!" Fact was, he didn't look stupid at all. No need to inflate his ego though. Unless of course that was directly tied to his dick.

...

Nope. Didn't feels like it. Still as hard as before.

* * *

I was limping for entirely different reasons, and panda girl had no idea. She frowned disapprovingly at my legs as I came out of the outdoor bath to get a towel.

"You should really take the pills," she said, undoing her weird vest/shirt/thing. What the fuck was that even supposed to be?

"I did," I responded nonchalantly, grabbing a fresh towel, idly noting that I probably should tell lover boy that the laundry was due. Not that I was gonna do it. Hell no. I think the Hyuuga did that.

"It didn't heal your legs?" panda girl exclaimed with way too much disbelief.

I rolled my eyes at her. "My legs are fine, dipshit. My pussy's just sore from last night."

She soundlessly mouthed the word _pussy _before her face turned red. She scowled at me with a healthy helping of embarrassment along the way. Sheesh. Was lover boy the only one who wasn't a god damn prude? "You-! You did-! Naruto? Really?"

Well, it was more him who did me, but I'd change that in due time. "Really," I responded dryly. "He's one hell of a fuck. You should have tried your luck when he was free." 'Cause I sure as hell wasn't letting him off my leash anytime soon. He came with food, a place to sleep and those godlike abs. A keeper in my book.

She glared petulantly at me. "I didn't try to-!"

"All I'm saying is," I interrupted her, fastening the towel above my chest, "He's mine now, so you better not get any funny ideas."

I left her standing there, half naked, and after a good thirty seconds she shouted after me: "I don't have any funny ideas, dammit!"

Yeah, that I'd take for face value. Deadheads, all of them.

I ran into the deadhead with the obnoxiously huge tits on my way out, her chest almost jumping right into my face. "For fucks sake, woman!" I huffed. "Watch were you point those! You might actually fucking hurt someone!" Or someone's self respect at the least. Those tits just weren't fair.

Well, fuck that anyways. I was the one who got laid. Hah! Who needs those tits anyways if they don't get you anything?

"You're the butt lady!" someone squeaked from the entrance. There hadn't been any kids with the new "guests", so the only one it could have possibly been was the small Uchiha.

Sure enough, little... uh, Sa... Sa... Sarada! That's it! Yeah, little Sarada hopped into the bath. You know, now that I looked at her with no hot piece of lover boy in sight, she actually looked more like four. Or maybe she was just on the small side.

"Butt lady?" I asked, amused by her squeaky voice. I put both hands in my hips. "Yeah, well, I guess you're right, mini-Uchiha."

She pouted at me. Gosh, if she weren't such a brat, that might actually be cute, even for my tastes. "I'm not _mini_!" she exclaimed. "Just you wait! I'm eating a lot to grow faster! And my butt will grow too!"

I snorted a laugh. Yeah, I'd love to see that. That one was not like any Uchiha I had ever heard of. They said that even their children were gloomy creeps. One just had to look how Sas-gay turned out. I'd bet my own ass on that.

Behind the bratty Uchiha kid, lover boy followed into the bath. _Mh_. Maybe it wasn't time to leave just yet. I hadn't noticed I had been biting my lip until he smirked this annoyingly cool smile at me, though his eyes were burning again.

Lover boy bumped softly into my shoulder as he passed, his skin scalding my own and my knees suddenly felt weak again. _Fuck_. I followed him without wasting another thought. Gods, how did that sexy asshole draw me so much?

I hadn't been a stranger to sex, of course, though I'd like to mention that losing my virginity with fourteen could have been a nicer experience, and had my share of adventures, which abruptly ended when my legs got shattered, mind you, but never ever in all my fucking life had I actually _pinned_ after some guy. Yeah, this war had definitely fucked with my brain. Starving, too. Freezing, yeah, that too.

But I wasn't hungry now, was I? And, standing in a gods damned hot spring, not freezing either. That and the war was over. So, come one you stupid brain! Why couldn't I, like, be on my way already, now that my legs were as good as new!?

...

Well, I agreed to go on a supply run with panda girl. And of course there was the fact that I hadn't tasted the Hyuuga girl's cake yet. She had promised she'd be making it sometime during the day. Oh yeah, and I still needed to kick the shadow bitch in his scrubby, pebble-sized balls, if his obvious cryptorchidism even let me reach them. Also, I hadn't socked his sandy wife yet. Or broke her legs with a tree. Let's see how she likes that!

And, well, there was the fact that I'd get to sleep with lover boy tonight. Again. Let's say, three times. Five was definitely too much. Fuck, I'd even be okay with _just_ sleeping! It was not OK that being held by that sexy bastard was so good!

So maybe I actually wanted to stay. Shit.

I almost tripped over the edge of the big bath, but lover boy caught me before I could fall face first into the pool. Shit, that was uncool. I had to play that one off cool, and his face was kinda close anyways, his eyes _so fucking hot_, and, I mean, why not? So I kissed him because it was the only right thing to do to cover my fuck up.

Also, he tasted kinda neat, like some kind of... honey. Fuck. This shouldn't be that good. I really needed to stop this before... Before what? Wasn't it already too late? I broke the kiss slowly, liking my lips. Huh, he really did taste like honey. The smoldering in his eyes was almost unbearable as he peered bemusedly into my eyes. Shit. It really was too late.

I was a lot of things, but I was not fucking touched in the head. I was in love and I didn't know if I hated or loved it.

* * *

Lover boy - or was it one of his clones? - was doing the dishes after dinner. The Hyuuga'-... Hinata's cake tasted divine. She tricked me into calling her by name, promising I'd get to try first whenever she tired something new, and once everyone had gone to bed - or jerk off in Hatake's case - lover boy, smiling that damned smile at me that was trying to give me a stroke, took almost all of the dishes and left for the kitchen. I ended up taking whatever he hadn't to have some seemingly good reason to follow him into the kitchen.

Shit! See? That's just stupid! I don't need no god damn reason to follow his hot ass if I wanted to! Fuck, I could barely meet his eyes that evening! Love sucked ass. That moment, when I stopped being super horny and felt a fluttery and funky instead, that was just _sooo_ fucking unnecessary. Great. Now I wanted him to have him, not to fuck him - though one did not exclude the other.

"You're so quiet," he said suddenly from right besides me. Right, the one actually washing the dishes was obviously not him.

"Fucking clones," I grumbled at him, slowly rolling to the side - I had been lying like a sack of potatoes on the counter right behind the dishwasher - and glared as hard as I could. I almost faltered immediately when his far too hot eyes peered right into my soul again. "So what?" I huffed at him. "At least the shadow bitch wasn't complaining again, and I like eating in peace!"

He quirked a lazy eyebrow at me, stepping closer, now more behind me that besides me. I swallowed, almost jumping when he placed his hands on my hips. My muscles jumped under is touch, flexing reflexively. MY heartbeat almost tripled in speed in under four seconds. I inhaled slowly. Right, I still had this under control.

Until he just started to blatantly grope me. I could feel his eye bore into the back of my head, even as his hands tenderized my ass - which feels like a hundred times better than it sounds - but refused to acknowledge him. He was doing that on purpose, to get a reaction out of me and-!

I let a low moan, almost a growl escape my throat when his thumb edged dangerously close to my nether lips. I snapped my head to the side, glaring at him. "What exactly are you even waiting for?" I hissed at him. "A written invitation!?"

He smirked and his hands stilled. Holy shit, such a god fucking tease! "What if I am?" he asked, his thumb once more slowly circling closer and closer to where I actually needed him to touch!

I bit down on my tongue before I could scream "Fuck me already!" because I was still in charge of this, as much as a god damn mess it made in my head! Instead, I shoved him back with my ass, only slightly pleased to come into contact with his hard-on. I turned, squaring my shoulders, hands in my hips. "You are a terrible tease, lover boy," I told him, scowling for a moment, before it was melted off my face with his ridiculously sexy stare. With a huff, I threw my head against his chest. He didn't move in response.

"You're an asshole, you know that, right?"

He laughed, jostling my head. "I've certainly been called as much before. Mostly by you, though."

Did he have to sound so affectionate? It was making me sick. And far too warm for my own good. "Well, you are an asshole. Sexy doesn't change that."

He laughed again, softly this time. "I guess. Have you decided yet?" Decided? Decided what? If I wanted him to do me from behind, in a tight embrace? Me on top? Yeah, that sounded just about right. "Will you stay here?"

Oh. _Oh_! Yeah, that sounded reasonable. Fuck, my brain was just filled with far too many ways of having hot, breakneck sex with him. Like, him tied to the bed, eyes covered so his gaze couldn't mess with me while I did whatever-

"You're thinking about sex," he said, tipping my head back with his right hand. "And I'd bet a lot of money on the fact that it involved me."

I scowled at him. "Oh yeah? Bit full of yourself, aren't you?"

He shook his head softly, gazing into me eyes. Fuck. I _needed_ to get a blindfold, because this was not good for my heart. "No," he said, leaning closer, "But I was thinking the same thing. _You. Me. And a locked door._" His last words were a breathless whisper, husky, deep and _fucking_ _hot_, hot enough to melt my insides.

I swallowed, wetting my lips. Shit, was I that easy to read? Couldn't be. Not even Orochimaru could tell that I was imagining many gruesome ways for him to die at my feet. My heart was thundering in my chest as he trapped me against the counter, both his hands to either of my sides. Ah, fuck it. I could think about being in love later. My carvings called for attention, but most of all, they called for lover boy's dick.

"The pantry has a lock on the door," I pointed out with smirk. "And I doubt the flour will mind."

* * *

I barely had time to catch my breath after what was maybe my third orgasm, when my insides did that weird flutter thing again. Because lover boy was some kind of considerate asshole, he silently insisted an a pause - which I did not need, for fucks sake - and instead put his hands to good use, massaging my legs. Now, that my brain and pussy had some downtime, my head did that weird thing again of over-analyzing every little thing he did.

In the years before everything went down the gutter, all sex was about for me was the stress relief. Fun was a minimal factor. Sure, I was fucking picky when it came to whom I'd actually fuck - eight arms were going to stay the hell away from me, dead or alive - but even then it was just to wind down. But I had unwound alright. More than just that. Lover boy unwound me with just his eyes and when he started touching places that shouldn't feel so fucking good-! Shit. It was messing with my head. And the I just had to fall in love because apparently that's what my brain decides to do with the first human being to treat me as an equal and feed me.

My standards must have gotten pretty fucking low, but then, when I looked at him, he was on another god damn level.

Naked guys weren't sexy. That was a fucking law of nature. Naked, with their dick dangling about which looked more like a sparsely hairy mole rat, the sight was something I could fucking pass on. Or at least... I could have, years ago. Maybe I still could, make a face when some freak proudly displayed his grotesque junk. But I just somehow didn't with lover boy.

That just had to be a mistake, for that sexy idiot looked like he had been crafted in my very own god damn wet dreams. Chiseled and sculpted and smokin' hot... Even his ass was hot! Guys didn't have hot asses! I didn't much bother with looking that closely before, and now that I wasn't drooling all over myself anymore to get a piece of him, he somehow wasn't just sexy, he was actually attractive.

His scarred face, with those always somehow narrowed looking eyes, the strong jawline and the remarkably unremarkable nose - it was a nose alright? It didn't turn up, didn't bend down, wasn't overly big or small. It was just a god damn nose! - his lips looked kinda soft, which was stupid because they felt like hot coal at the moment as he kissed my collarbone. All in all, he looked so... abnormally perfect!

His fucking clavicle, his collarbone, was a bloody work of art! How was that even a thing!?

"You're staring."

I tried my hardest to scowl at him, because somehow my lips didn't want to be tugged down. "Consider it payback, idiot."

He smirked - gods, why was that messing with my heartbeat!? - and brushed a strand of hair out of my face. "I just like making you squirm," he said in a perfectly nonchalant voice.

Yeah, I squirmed alright. Writhed might also be a word to describe my post orgasmic contractions of just about every muscle in my body. It wasn't just that he was smug about it, he was just as fucking good at it.

"So," he said, laying down besides me on the bed - wait! When did we even get here? I don't remember getting out of the kitchens... at least, not with any clothes on. Bah, not like it mattered. As long as I didn't accidentally flashed little Sarada, shit was fine. "Will you stay here?"

I grinned at him, pinching whatever of his sin I could reach, just to see if he would react, which he didn't, and said, "You bet I will. Never had that hot sex before, and you're one hell of a heater at night, lover boy."

He cocked an eyebrow at me, though I could see his lips tugging into a small smile. "A straight forward complement? Are you sure you're alright?"

"Shut up!" I huffed, hiding a laugh and slugging him in the chest. Ouch... I was really starting to believe that he was made of stone.

* * *

I guess I'm in an actual relationship with lover boy now. Not like that was verbally confirmed or agreed upon, but I suppose he's my bitch now. Or lover, at least. There was a disturbing amount of stuff I didn't know about him, but I had never much cared for the past, and from what I had seen up until now it was kinda unlikely he was going to do a fucking one-eighty on me and turn out to be a psychopath that ate babies.

He was a goody-two-shoes, but he wasn't annoying about it. There was that helping people thing he seemed to have going that brought him to set up base, or inn, as he had, and he bore his scars without remorse for his battles. I could totally deal with that.

Now that my legs were in perfect working order again, I could wrap them around his hips and fuck him dry. It also meant that I could put any spare time that came up to good use. I didn't like being a fucking mooch, and because sex didn't count as payment, I decided I had to do other things.

I'd like to avoid the poor suckers that washed up in this inn, so I did the only sensible thing and got the fuck out. That sadly meant doing supply runs to the poor fuckers that didn't want to leave their homes. That wasn't the worst of it, though, because I actually liked traveling, even though that had been all I had done since I was sixteen. No, the worst was that caterpillar eyebrows was also one of the leaf fuckers that did supply runs.

I totally lost track of time since I came here, but I'd say that it was two weeks since, and it just so happened that this fucking weirdo went along with me and panda girl. Lover boy had left with the Uchiha, so I couldn't just stay in and get fucked stupid. Panda girl had caught wind of my relationship with lover boy some time ago and somehow kept asking stupid questions, probably to make sure I didn't hurt her boss. Heh. As if anything could hurt him and his sexy ass. That said, they better not try, because I liked his ass as it was, with that weird scar on the left cheek that reminded me of the half moon.

Caterpillar boy was oblivious. I suppose he was mentally afflicted or something. He was doing one armed pus ups when me and panda girl arrived that morning and his loud and boisterous greeting was unanimously ignored. Panda girl was obviously and expert in dealing with that weirdo.

"So," I began, adjusting the pack on my back, that was filled with some wires or something, "Where are we headed?" The weirdo almost jumped in my face so I put my heel in his before he could open his mouth. As he staggered back with a pathetic whine, I turned to panda girl. "Well?"

This obviously happened all the time, panda girl didn't even bat an eye at me as she unfolded a map of the Land of Fire. "To the ruins of Konoha, actually," she said. "We're deliver the wiring and medicine on our way to a settlement and meet up with the boss there."

"So lover boy's coming with?" I asked. Nice. I would definitely share a tent with him. "To whatever's left of Konoha no less? How so?"

Panda girl gave me a look of exasperation. "Would it kill you to listen when Sasuke told us?"

I pondered on it for a moment before nodding. "Probably would." That emo freak was dead boring. I had been thinking about lover boy's scars all day. Scars were sexy, after all, and he had lots of them... "So tell me already, for fucks sake."

She sighed. "Fine... But we'll have to do it on the way. I don't wanna run late. Lee!" she shouted at the downed weirdo. "Get the hell up, we're leaving!"

* * *

We were supposed to find Tsunade, the last of the god damn Sannin probably still alive. Hadn't even heard that the Frog Sage had died, but that was somehow a sore spot for the Konoha suckers, and if panda girl hadn't fucked with me, it was an even sorer point with lover boy. Yeah, I'd deal with that later. Still, panda girl couldn't explain just why Tsunade had popped up after years of being gone, literally dropping off the edge of the world, but they weren't about to complain, so neither was I.

We passed a few of the huge craters that had been left behind by the war, by something panda girl referred to as Kaguya. Some of these craters had once been villages. I might even have been to a few of the before, but that was years ago and I don't like remembering my time with the snake pedo. The ensemble of shacks and a rickety wooden tower we finally arrived in had in my opinion no right to call itself a settlement.

Those awkwardly built houses looked like shit, drafty and cold. Tough shit that shinobi couldn't do much besides killing and fighting, useless assholes, the lot of them, but every carpenter and able craftsman had been reduced to a husk by that fucking tree. The way I saw it, lover boy and the rest of the leaf bitches were all that kept those idiots from just dying because they couldn't amass enough food for the winter.

"Thank you for you help," some old, grizzled looking guy told us, head still held high and proud even though we had just saved his ass and the entire village from going into autumn without a functioning central heater. At least, that's what I gathered. I didn't actually listen to any of their bullshit. I was just getting impatient to see lover boy again, so much that it bothered me just how much I missed him.

Being in love sucked. It probably sucked even more because I was... well, me and not some swooning damsel.

I did swoon, though. Who wouldn't, after seeing him naked?

Right, right... I need to stop fantasizing about these things, otherwise I'd go crazy before I got back to him. Or, worse yet, dry out. I figured that was entirely possible.

* * *

The Inn wasn't far from where Konoha had once been. Not really surprising. I could see the huge tree in the distance. I wanted to burn it to ash but I had no fire affinity to speak off and it would probably be a waste of time anyways. Whatever was left of Konoha; it wasn't much. For size alone, Konoha had been the greatest village out there. Now half of it had vanished in a huge crater, the other had been upturned by the branches of the tree and what was left after that had been reclaimed by nature.

I had never been a sensor, no matter how notorious the Uzumaki were for that, but I could still feel lover boy's gaze from half a mile away. He was on top of what might have been that stupid mountain with their leader's faces on it. Now it was a slightly bigger pile of rubble that stood out over the rest of this gods forsaken ruin.

"He's up there," I remarked and veered off in lover boy's direction, not really caring if the other two followed. Well, I would rather have that the weirdo fell over dead, but he could probably kick my ass if I tried to off him, so yeah, I had to deal with him for the time being.

He was with the Uchiha, standing over a prone body. Still, his gaze was fixed on me, so I couldn't have cared less for whatever else was going on. But when he averted his eyes just shy of me throwing myself at him to eat face, I stopped myself. Fine. Be that way. I turned my attention to the one on the ground.

She was... old. Dirty. Probably dead? "Is that Tsunade?" I asked him. The Uchiha didn't even look up or acknowledge me. I could life with that.

"Yes," Lover boy answered, his voice not betraying any emotion. "She somehow came back."

"Back?" I echoed. "Back from where?"

"One of Kaguya's dimensions," the Uchiha answered, still not looking up. His creepy red eye- wait, why was only one eye...? You know, I don't wanna know. He was gazing at Tsunade before looking at lover boy. "She is still stable. Her body is already recovering. Her hand though is completely useless."

My gaze wandered to Tsunade's hands. Well, the left one looked normal. And, geez, the right one looked as if she had been suing a volcano as a punching bag. It was charred to the bone, barely any flesh left on it, her skin heavily burned up to her elbow.

"She punched her way back," lover boy stated. I glanced at him. There was something distinctively amused in his eyes. "That's miserably typical."

Panda girl and caterpillar boy joined us and while Missy gasped in horror and rapid fired questions at the Uchiha, I took the opportunity to re-introduce my mouth to lover boy's. He didn't stop me, actually pushed more into the kiss than I expected him to, and just before my lips grew numb from his smoldering lips, he gently pushed me back. I was dizzy for a second, which was stupid, and my knees were weak, which was even more stupid, but I guess that came with being in love with that asshole. He chuckled lowly, gazing into my eyes.

Yep, still laser eyes. _Mmmmmh_... my insides are putty now, thanks for that.

"Strange," he whispered, the words rumbling in his throat, "I think I actually missed you. Your taste is... enticing."

And his was addictive, a weird mixture of honey and... and... _him_. Not that I was going to tell him. Yet. May he was gonna fuck me extra slowly for it. Shit. I was thinking about sex again. _Mh_, missed what he said. My eyes dropped for a moment. _Haah_. His clavicle was fucking sexy.

His lips were suddenly not half an inch from mine, his hot breath licking at my skin like fire. I swallowed. "You aren't listening at all," he whispered bemusedly. "And yet you are focused on nothing but me."

He leaned closer and I moved to meet him, closing my eyes in almost painful anticipation, but that fucking asshole pulled back and I met thin air. I growled, punching him in his stomach, which was like hitting a slab of rock.

"Asshole," I hissed, stepping back. No toying anymore. "You'll pay for that."

"And you're gonna love it," he rumbled huskily, his ridiculously smoldering gaze raking over me. Yeah... that made my insides clench. "Come on. We're going back."

I walked with him over to where the others had gathered around Tsunade's prone body. Lover boy took may hand, pulling something out of his jacket with the other.

"We're ready," the Uchiha faggot said, placing his hand onto the weird, three pronged kunai lover boy had drawn.

The weirdo tried to take my hand, but I kneed him in the groin before he could get one step to close. He sank to the ground in a heap and no one seemed to care for it, though lover boy seemed rather amused by it. Panda girl sighed, grabbing a fistful of caterpillar boy's belt and offering her hand to me. I considered not taking it, but that would probably slight my chances of hot sex, so I took it. The Uchiha grabbed onto Tsunade and suddenly the world turned white.

* * *

I almost threw up and probably would have fallen flat on my face if not for lover boy right besides me. He smiled apologetically for a moment before he and the Uchiha made to bring Tsunade inside. I was left, trying to keep my breakfast down and silently cursing that we didn't make the trip back by foot. No tent sex for me, it seemed.

"That was a lot easier than I thought," panda girl remarked, letting her backpack fall from her shoulders. "Well, not that I'm complaining." She lightly tapped caterpillar boy with her foot. He didn't stir.

Heh. Neat. Maybe he was dead? Didn't have to kill him after all. "Can we leave him here?" I asked, as my stomach finally stooped rioting. "And maybe throw that shadow bitch out, too?"

She huffed. "You really don't like Shikamaru, do you?"

"I thought it was obvious. Stupid little bitch."

She didn't say anything to that. Hah, not defending him was enough to push her onto my... well, not _good_ side - I didn't have one - but on the side that got slightly less Fuck you from me. With a shrug and one last kick at caterpillar boy I went back inside. I was almost run over by the cat lady from room 3. The black cat perched atop her head hissed at me something fierce, but quieted down easily enough when I glared at it. Yeah, still got it.

The woman bowed abruptly when she saw me, throwing the cat off her head, immediately scrambling to pick her "poor deary!" back up. She hurried out before I could get one word in.

"Huh," I made, "That was one quick check-out."

"Her home has been restored to a degree," Hatake's voice said from the stairs, where he was sitting, reading his stupid book. "I brought her the news, she left immediately."

I glared at him. Why could that asshole sneak up on me like that? I had the stairs in my field of vision the moment I stepped inside. "Less work for us, I guess." Not that I would miss all the cat hair sticking to the bed-sheets. Not that I ever washed any of them, but they clung to lover boy when he did and that meant they got to me and my mouth.

"Himura has left us as well," he added.

Himura. Himura...? Uh... who was that again? "Was that the old fart in room one?" I asked after a short pause.

Hatake nodded. "Indeed. He wanted me to tell you that he was thankful for what you did."

I snorted. What I did? I told he him was fucking pathetic, that's what I did. "Whatever." I waved him off. "Don't you have someone to perv on?"

He stood up, pulling his book from his vest. "Indeed I do." He vanished in a body flicker, which was probably the only thing that asshole even did anymore aside from reading porn. I had to admit, though, never seen a body flicker that effortless before.

"Asshole," I muttered under my breath, silently cursing that fucker's entire god damn existence, and decided that I needed some cheering up. Which meant I was going to take a long, hot bath.

* * *

"You missed your chance, Hinata."

That was the shadow bitch. I had been on the way into the kitchen for some of that wicked cake that lover boy had made earlier but now, hearing him talk, I decided not to go in just yet. And eavesdrop. Yeah. Ninja habit, that's my excuse.

"I know," was the Hyuuga's soft, pained answer, closer to the door than the shadow idiot was. "I just... I _did_ love him."

There was a pause, and I wondered if that was all, but then, "He changed a lot," he said, yawing right thereafter. That lazy asshole! "You were in love with the carefree, strong-headed goof he was back then."

"He didn't die, Shikamaru!" the Hyuuga bites back with such an edge to her voice, like, fuck. That sounded actually threatening!

"Did he though? We were imprisoned for a long time. Naruto and Sasuke both battled her from then on. Alone and losing. They never talked about it. We don't even know how they won."

"You think I don't know that!?" She sounded close to tears.

Hm. So she still carried a torch for lover boy. To the past, it appeared. Well, sucks for her. 'Cause I figured that my torch was a lot bigger than hers by now. And hotter. My ass was. Yeah, outdid the tits again!

"I have no idea why he's with her now, but he's been... a lot more normal than before. He even joked yesterday." Glass clinked against metal. "I don't know why, but she's good for him. And that's one hell of a drag, because she can't stand the sight of me."

Yeah, he got that right, fucking shadow bitch.

The Hyuuga sighed loudly before she laughed humorlessly. "I'm a bit pathetic, am I not?" she asked. "I missed my chance." I figured she told herself that more than him. Well, better for her, because I was not sharing and if I had to pinch her tits I would totally do it to keep her off lover boy's... dick. And, like, everything else.

"What a drag," the lazy asshole sighed. "Look, he's happy as it is now. I had figured he would be entirely too depressed by now, but he somehow isn't. We got the world back, Hinata, and lost a lot. Clinging to the past isn't good for you."

Wow, what a wise ass. Even I could have given that advice. Hell, I was the living example that it was best like that.

She didn't answer him and I figured now was the time for cake.

The speed at which the Hyuuga turned red was impressive. And hella amusing. The cake was delicious.

* * *

I settled in. Somehow, I did. The Hyuuga blackmailed me with a fucking pudding so now I have to call her Hinata. I keep on going on supply runs with Panda girl, keep avoiding caterpillar eyebrow like the plague and cursing at the shadow bitch whenever I see him.

And then there is the sandy cunt.

Lover boy stopped me from killing her. The bitch had apparently fucking forgotten me so lover boy had to stop me again. And then some more just because she pissed me off. Luckily that bitch wasn't staying at the inn and her shadowy, limp-dicked husband consecutively was not around often either.

I could deal with that.

What I couldn't deal with was Tsunade. That woman did decidedly not like me. Like I offended her or something. In the end I suppose it's because I fuck lover boy on every occasion (of which there are many a day) and she sees him like some sort of grandson.

"Lay off, you damn hag!" I hissed at her when she followed me into the bath with her right arm still one giant bandage.

"Shut up you bratty woman," she snarked back, glowering something fierce at me.

My god. Couldn't she have been comatose, too? I left the towel behind and gained a few seconds on her as she covered herself up and stepped into the bath. Lover boy was there (why else would I come here despite the old hag?), splashing water at Sarada, who shrieked and gurgled every odd second as she dove underwater to avoid the vicious attacks.

Why in the world did that look so adorable to me?

I slid into the water before the damn hag could pull on my hair again, that stupid old bitch, and all but plastered myself against lover boy's back. Ah, wonderfully hot water and scalding hot skin against mine. Perfect.

Tsunade joined us at the edge of the pool, sitting there and glaring a hole into my skull. I blew her a raspberry and kissed lover boy's neck when Sarada wasn't looking. Ah, I loved how it infuriated her.

Before I could plaster Lover boy's back with enough love bites to last into the next generation, the sleeping beauty walked into the bath, accompanied by her emo of a husband.

"Mommy!"

Of course the little shit was ecstatic. Wouldn't blame her. Hell knows how hard I would flip if my mom just suddenly showed up again. Great. I hated nostalgia. And now I was grumpy. That was until lover boy obviously saw something in my eyes that must have given me away, because he smiled softly, kissed my cheek and pulled me closer. He didn't say a word, but he didn't have to.

"You're an idiot," I told him.

"I know," he responded, smiling when I snorted. "But that's what you're staying for, isn't it?"

Heh. I was, wasn't I? I'd say I could have done a lot worse. The way my heart still fluttered when he looked at me with a strange mix of amusement and... adoration in his eyes... I shook my head. "I love you, you know?"

He smiled only the tiniest bit wider. "But I'm still an idiot?"

I laughed, slapping his chest. "Well, yeah, obviously! But you're my idiot, so you better keep me happy. Got that?"

I was about to kiss him as hard as my twisted neck allowed when the old hag loudly cleared her throat. "Isn't it time for dinner, Naruto?"

Mhm, I was going to kill her. Quickly, so I could get back to loving lover boy here.

His eyes never strayed from mine when he said, "Hinata is on duty tonight," and kissed me softly, for just a moment, before pulling back. "Besides," he continued, the fire in his eyes brighter than ever before, "I still have something to do."

I didn't get to eat dinner that night. Not that I missed it. Rather, I was in no state to walk when it was served and half an hour later I was in no state to comprehend the feeling of hunger when lover boy rocked my world hard enough to leave permanent marks. I even forgot about killing the old hag, but I guess that could wait until I got bored. Which was presumably never, so sucks for me and good for her.

* * *

The world was getting back on it's feet. Very, very slowly. Slower than me getting up in the morning. Which was terrifyingly slow, really. More and more people came to the inn and lover boy plus eight hundred mother fucking clones stomped no less than three whole buildings out of the ground in under half a week. He got extra hot sex for that and head whenever I felt like it. Mostly in the bath. And the bed. And really anywhere we had a tad of privacy.

And sometimes where we hadn't.

It was always funny to traumatize children.

I'd say it was a month later when Sakura aka pinky and the old hag decided that they wanted to set up a hospital. Those greedy slags couldn't just settle for a simply clinic, _noooo_, it had to be an entire fucking hospital. Lover boy pulled it off in a week and it only took that long because he and his clones had no clue of electric engineering. Good thing that the one eyed perv was good for something and so eight of him and eight hundred of lover boy build a hospital in the middle of nowhere.

"It needs to be blue."

"No offense, master, but I think red would be a better color."

"And as your master I'm telling you that it needs to be blue."

And because the hag with the huge tits and the flat chested pinky couldn't decide on the color of some couch, it took three more days.

* * *

"Hey."

Lover boy looked up from the blueprints of a bridge they wanted to build over the valley of the end. He smiled softly at me and I found myself returning it, alone as we were. He abandoned the plans and pulled me into a hug.

"Finished?" he asked, his eyes searching mine.

I nod. "Yeah." I push a scroll into his waiting hand. "Might as well do it now."

He unfurled the scroll, one arm still slung around my neck, so it fell open right in front of my face. I stared at my own little... dream, I'd say. The most prominent thing, the one I'd always see first when I'd look at it, was the clock. Aside from the act that I was fucking proud of my sketching, I think I did my dad justice with this one.

I never found out if the dream I had was connected to any real memories. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't recall my parents, nothing but the day they died. All I had was that stupid dream. I don't like clinging to the past. I abhor it, fucking hate it. So I was gonna put something into the present, something tangible, better than a fucking dream.

I eyed lover boy as his eyes scanned over what was the perfect replica of the stage from my dream, complete with the clock that hung on a single cable, strung up between the two furthest corners of the whole construct. I looked like a deathtrap, some part were probably not proportioned right and I just noticed that I hadn't even drawn some kind of roof over it all but lover boy just nodded to himself.

"Yeah," he said, "We can do that."

* * *

"Move you ass up to the lights before I kick you up!"

The stagehand jumped half a foot into the air, bowed mid turn towards me and almost twisted his neck as he turned away to sprint out of my sight. Oh yeah, he better. There was about half an hour left before the performance would start and if that boy would mess it up, I swear-

"I think he pissed himself."

I turned towards lover boy, who was dressed immaculately instead of lazily for once, the pristine vest and clean cut trousers making him look entirely too delectable to be appreciated before I'd get to play in front of at least two thousand people. I noticed a tad too late that I was staring at him, mouth wide open, so when he chuckled I made the least rude gesture I could think off in the moment and returned to pushing cables around on stage because those lazy fuckers we hired are too stupid to not lay them in my god damn way and-

Lover boy warped me in a hug, pulling me back from tearing the fucking mic out off the cable box and throwing it at the next stage hand. Fuck. I was nervous.

"Relax," he whispered in my ear.

_Wasn't that easy, asshole!_ Well, at least that's what I wanted to say, but instead my muscles relaxed and I let my head fall back against his shoulder. Mh... Yeah, fuck the concert. I take lover boy over playing the flute every day of my life. And the I remembered why we had this god damn concert and jerked away.

"Stop that, sexy idiot," I huffed at him, playfully slapping his chest. It was his god damn birthday and I wanted all of those fuckers to appreciate what he had done for every single one of them.

"Stop being so sexy yourself."

He eyes me up in my dress as if he willed it to fall off me. I could totally do that, given that it had no straps, but it took me too fucking long to get this. It was the same color as my hair, the exact same shade as to not clash with it, and reached down a lot farther than I would have liked but both Hinata and Sakura pointed out that there would be children present (the few that survived, at least) and that seeing my underwear was a thing not meant for them, but only lover boy. The last part I added myself. The dress was all smooth red silk, hugging my body nicely. Long as it was, it fanned out just below the knees into a wide, frilly circle. I looked like an upturned rose like that.

Well, as long as lover boy would peel it off me later...

It was just about a year ago that I arrived at the inn. No said inn was the biggest building in history, standing in the center of a village- of a city that was bigger than Konoha and Suna had ever been combined. That sounded entirely too ridiculous, entirely too impossible, but with a somehow unlimited amount of resources and shadow clones, building popped up everywhere, people came from everywhere and suddenly the tiny inn was the center of world.

Literally.

And that was all because of lover boy, because of Naruto, who was somehow doing all these fucking impossible things and managed to look absolutely fucking sexy all the time. If that didn't deserve a little appreciation, then I don't know what did.

Well... I mean, I could appreciate his dick too, but I'd figure that - on stage - that wouldn't do well as a crowd pleaser, though it would please me entirely. I glanced back at him, liking my lips. Could I, maybe, just maybe, indulge myself for twenty minutes?

Nah, twenty minutes were enough to be fucked senseless and breathless and I very much needed my breath in the next hour or so.

"You really need to stop thinking about sex all the time," he advises, brushing a few hair out of my face. His fingers leave a trail of electricity to tingle my skin.

"You need to stop being so ridiculously sexy," I accuse with a huff, stealing a kiss before he can retort. "Now get the hell off stage, we're starting soon."

Not five minutes later the curtain was lifted. The clock hung high over my head, swaying dangerously and ominously, but I knew it would hold. Dad would have been proud.

During the entire performance I could feel his eyes on me. Not once did he look away, not once did he gaze stray from my face. The very second I finished performing what was the most ridiculously complicated piece of music I ever blew through any instrument, I dropped my flute into the casket, all but sprinted off the god damn stage, off to the side where he stood, and threw myself at his neck.

"Happy Birthday, lover boy," I rasped, my voice raw from the performance, and kissed him as hard as I could. "Happy fucking Birthday!"

* * *

**A/N: Are there plot holes? I imagine so, but then there isn't really a plot here. Do you have no idea who is alive and who is dead? Congrats, you may use your imagination. Do you, for the life of you, not comprehend my timeline? Well, neither do I. Would you update one of the other god damn stories? I imagine I will... Someday. **

**:3**


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